Filling a Leaky Cup

Today, I am worn. Many times over the years I have envied the simplicity of the life of the mom on Little House on the Prairie. Sure, I appreciate a washing machine, the grocery store, my car, and of course the phone and internet to keep in touch with friends. However, I marvel at the thoughts of living my days simply to focus only on the needs of my husband and children. Thoughts of days when there would be time to sit by a creek in the middle of nowhere and do nothing are very enticing. I’m sure if even we had a vacation like this, my time would come when I felt rested and ready to get back to the hustle of life, but still the life race can feel overwhelming. Of course we do not have to grow our own food, sew our own clothes, do hard labor in the way of the old times, but really at what cost? We now constantly move in fast-forward to get children to school, go to jobs outside of the home, take kids to sports, to dance, to meetings, to parties. We fill our only two days a week to enjoy our family often racing from one party to the next or grocery shopping or cleaning or doing whatever other million things are on “our list”. To take a vacation or stop and enjoy some family time, we have to literally push off something else on “our list”. Why do we always have to have this list??

I say this not because I am so overwhelmed by the meaningless things; those simply have to be put into perspective. I’m not frustrated with the dance and sports and parties, the kids love them and I love seeing their enjoyment. I’ve had a rough “step-mom” day, though, and times when I have so much to do and I’m already so tired, it is hard to accept that our lives are so busy I cannot slow down to emotionally provide in the ways I wish I could. Sure, I do the best I can and everyone in our lives is so encouraging to me, but you know as well as I know that no matter what other people say, we set a standard for ourselves! I’ve always chuckled at the quote from Mr. Incredible (I know hold your admiration for me as I quote the great and famous cartoon character). He said, “Since when do we celebrate mediocracy?” We know in our gut what God has made us personally cable of accomplishing and when we are properly in tune with our Spirit, we know when we are accepting less of ourselves than we should. I am admittingly very guilty of acting angry towards my family when I’m really angry and disappointed in myself. My frustrations of not being able to accomplish what I want, makes me intensely attempt to find more control in my life and this often  materializes in ways such as barking more chores, being more strict about house rules, or being very short tempered. As for times like this weekend, I feel like my “Step-Momma-Wart” grows huge!

Times like this force me to take a BIG step back and evaluate the balance of my life. My life IS what I want, but to keep a balance is the utmost greatest task I hold. I did not choose to live this “rat race”; I would have been a very happy Little House on the Prairie mom. However, in the same moment of thought, I would not desire to give up or drastically change any area of my life. I love our modern conveniences because it has allowed my children to experience so many wonderful things in life and most importantly, we are now connected to other people (countless family and friends) who enrich us beyond words. I believe it is time for me to accept the mediocracy of my abilities in the super-human world I am attempting to live in!! To humbly accept my limitations and to sincerely appreciate the blessings it brings to do such is an important, but very hard to do!

In attempt to metaphorically speak in the best way my heart understands today, I have an adorably wonderful little step daughter who has been through so much and because of her lack of understanding and her honest and sincere human strive to NOT accept mediocracy in her life, she seems to have this little hole I can’t fill. I can provide for her, give her structure, teach her balance, and love her with every ounce of my being, but I cannot fill this tiny hole. I find myself worn and at times exhausted as I keep attempting to “fill her little cup”, but watch as it slowly leaks through that tiny hole once again. That damn tiny hole!! My motherly desire to fix things for them all turns to my doubt in our life balance. I turn to my “only if I could” thoughts. This is a place I know all mothers understand. But, today, once again I am reminded to accept my mediocracy and my limitations. My job isn’t to fix the little hole, my job is to keep balance in our family life and make sure I personally get filled so I can keep on filling up their little emotional cups; no matter what has caused them to be emptied once again. I wish I could put spackle on that stupid hole and make her feel  more complete, but I cannot and I must keep reminding myself that time to travel her own life path will help heal wounds she doesn’t even realize exist right now.

So, as so many of my parenting experiences lead me through frustration and doubt, I will again end where it always seems to leave me…knowing I live by my heart’s intent. I cannot achieve it all or succeed at it all or always find a way to have a good day, but I can lay my head on my pillow knowing my heart is guiding my life. Knowing I make mistakes daily, I have regrets, and I will always feel I can do better, but really, what is better? If I am acting out of good and honest heart intentions, I am doing the best I can. I will just continue to hope my children watch my struggles and instead of judging me or holding a grudge against me, I hope they will learn the end result is always happiness when you make choices with good heart intentions.

Today, I wish you comfort in living by your heart's intent!