Fair to be Unfair

Just a normal cookout night with my
sometimes crazy family. :)

I’m finishing a time period of a bit of chaos in my life. For about two months, I took over a Kindergarten class for a teacher on maternity leave. I love teaching, the school is great, the teachers on my team were incredible, and my family was bursting with team work and patience (most of the time) as we took on this challenge. HOWEVER, mothering 5, while teaching 24, while attempting to survive the most challenging first trimester of pregnancy I have ever experienced…not the easiest of tasks I have faced!



Kenzie and Skylar after winning

the Cannonball Contest
at a Summer Swim Party.



Now, we are finishing up the summer which has been busy and fun and did I mention exhausting and challenging? Love our family and our lives and thankful for every day…realizing the importance of a message I have yelled from the building top for years…FIND TIME FOR YOURSELF! This is the ONLY way to have sanity and focus. (By the way, I have not obeyed myself.) You must rest and refresh your mind if you ever plan to love and treat your family with fairness! We actually bribed our eldest to watch her siblings for 2 hours the other evening so we could (hold on to your socks for the excitement) go visit with Grandma and Grandpa! LOL You can definitely recognize the moments in your life when you are craving a bit of calmness and focus.





Now ending a summer of preteenhood experiences, mom/stepmom challenges, and pregnancy (as the cherry on top), I can truly say “fairness” is an idea that has not only come out of the children’s mouths often, but has rung loud and clear in my heart this summer. The ringing has been most often in the form of guilt – my nemesis! As all siblings do, the children have had a lot of experiences together and apart this summer. They have all, at some moment, had jealousy for what someone else was getting to experience. This, of course in their mind, seems to be the epitome unfairness…If only life were more fair!



Our oldest...not always agreeing with our idea of fairness,

but still jumping in to have fun! Love you, Shelb!!



I am experiencing my 4^th pregnancy and had more nausea than any of the other 3. I have been exhausted past the point of logical comprehension at times and this never happened before! If I experienced all of this in my 1^st pregnancy, I would have had the time to care for myself better and would have expected the challenges more in this final run….If only life were more fair!

I should love all of the children equally and treat them fairly every day because this is what they deserve! However, once again, not finding my own quiet time for Spiritual renewal and being slightly hormonal (only slightly…only a little bit…not much at all – you can ask Jarrod), I have NOT woken up every day feeling the need to be equally fair to everyone. Some days I can handle the “sassy one” and some days I cannot. Some days I can handle the “sensitive one” and some days I cannot. Some days I love the “independent one” because I am not finding much of myself to give. Some days I love the “needy one” because I need to cuddle and feel more love that day, too….If only life were more fair!

Waking up to a heated debate on the Today show about whether or not it is fair to ban children from certain restaurants helped me remember what fair actually means.

Treating others fairly means you have carefully considered who you are and what you believe at a particular moment in time. You have made a decision after taking into consideration all of the parties involved and you have NOT made the decision based on what makes everyone feel happy!

I realized that fairness is yet again another life concept which should be totally based within your Heart’s Intent! Make the best decision you can with the purest of intent and trust it!! The restaurant owner is not trying to be mean and unfair to families with children. He is trying to create an atmosphere where adults can take a break for their selves, to refresh and renew without being sidetracked by unruly small children at dinner. He was also trying to send a subtle message to parents about taking a moment to consider how their children’s behavior effects not only their family, but every other person in the restaurant…just like all of our behavior always impacts those around us – even as adults! (hmmm…side note…yet another moment when we stop to realize our choices with our children actually do help to mold their choices as adults) Kudos! I’d go to that restaurant (just not on family dinner nights).



Me on the Crab Drop at Seaworld
with all of the kiddos.
A moment when we all agree that
"more" does equal "more fun"!



As for MY summer challenges, I now realize I treated them “fairly” (or did the best I could – which is all that matters) every day! I loved them equally and cared enough about their life learning experience to not spoil them to make up for their feelings of jealousy over siblings. I talked them through realizing life sometimes sucks. We feel left out and jealous, but we take a deep breath, accept those things, and turn the other direction to realize the mountain of blessings showered on us as a result of the exact same situations that caused the sucky challenges….Maybe life is fair!

Having the most challenges in this pregnancy is frustrating, but understandable. With my first, I was 12 years younger and had only myself to care for. In all reality if it were so challenging the first time – would I have ever made it to my 4^th pregnancy?? So, as much as nausea and exhaustion stink, I am thankful for them coming during the last pregnancy because I am so thankful for having 4 pregnancies in my life…Maybe life is fair!



Loving different personalities
and good cousins at Chillis!



Finally, as for waking up more partial to certain people on certain days…well, this challenge has made me realize the incredible blessing our home has with so many different personalities. It has made me realize the broad spectrum of human emotion and the importance of nurturing every part of this spectrum. Also, it has made me remember the importance of finding the time to spiritually renew yourself (especially as a mom and leader of a home) because everything in life is in need of great balance. When the scales tip too far in any direction, we are not in a proper frame of mind to make true choices of fairness from the depths of our Heart’s Intent. However, when the balance gets a little off (as my life has seemed over the last few months), we are in the best position ever for learning life lessons up close and personal!! So, although I’m finishing a time period of a bit of chaos in my life, I’m beginning a time period of great reflection to learn from all of the experiences and challenges I have been so blessed to have...Maybe life really really is fair!



Love our chaos....



...AND my quiet orderly time!



Today, I wish for you...

to be challenged and unbalanced

and to experience the sucky things in life;

and then upon reflection,

realize the incredible blessing of all of those experiences!



Blog (and Baby) Coming Soon

I've been asked by several of you (thank you, thank you, thank you) when I will blog again. I promise...it's coming. I've had so many ideas in my head over the last couple of months, but between 5 kiddos at home and 16 Kindergarteners all day at work, and then discovering the big mystery of why I am soooooo exhausted (baby number 6 is on the way), I just have not found extra time to blog! My children are determined Moms now fit into the category of Bears because I have morphed into a creature of hybernation! Every extra moment has been spent napping!

I will say my thoughts are filled and I am so ready to type. After working full time, I have now experienced challenges with a family like never before!! I've been a stay-at-home mom, worked full time, married, divorced, had everything from 1 child to 5, biological children, step children and NOW a baby in the mix! Whew...could I possibly put myself into any more "categories"?? Experience is wonderful and priceless, but I am so very sincerely looking forward to staying home again and preparing for a baby. I have a lot of helpers and very excited family!!

Thanks again to all who have asked and I most definately will be back soon!!

Today, I wish for you, to appreciate what is happening right now! Whether you are in a "waiting place" or a "Fast Pace" season of your life..enjoy every second!

Your Spirit and "The Laundry List"

Alex...in one of his very odd
dressing stages. I pick my
battles. Clean clothes are
often my only requirement
with him!

I have heard and felt a common theme from so many of my friends…although parenting tips and organizational tips seem shiny wrapped in a little simply explained package, most parents (and non-parents) are so overrun by the huge “laundry list” of things to accomplish daily that there is no time to implement new ideas in their lives. Most feel they don’t even have the time to stop and contemplate new ideas, much less seriously consider using them. Many think, “Chores? Are you kidding? I just want to get through my work day, serve one meal a week that wasn’t cooked, preserved, and frozen 10 states away, have clean clothes available for at least half of my family tomorrow, and hope my sanity lasts long enough to do it all again when the sun rises!!!”

I get it. I hear you. Take a breath…

Feeling like a failure some days? I’ve been there! I’d like to say I won’t go back to this place, but I will. That’s just life. If you give passionately and live passionately, then you feel passionately and failing is something we all feel at times.

I could write a book on chores because in our home there has been a literal evolution of chores. Chores, as with everything else we do as a family, mold, grow, change, and fall by the wayside when life dictates it needs to happen. Nothing I do for my children ever stays just the same all the time. I, personally, have absolutely no specially blessed powers to predict the future for my family, so I can’t make the perfect plan and stick to it. I do, however, have a blessing of intuitive problem solving. Every rule, every chore, every routine we follow has been created as a result of a problem first arising. Chores began in our home when, as a mom of 3 very small children, I was working and going to college full time and could not keep up the housework. Chores have now evolved into a daily routine of reaping the rewards of your contribution to our family. They set a basis of living a life of service and passion, rather than a life of greed and laziness. Consider evaluating the problems in your life to find a beginning point for change.

When I homeschooled, I often felt like a failure when we began getting off of our schedule and I had to regroup again and make a new schedule again. I could not understand why we were unable to stick to a plan for the long haul. If it works, just do it and stick to it….simple, right? My moment of intense realization was when I realized I would only be a failure if I did NOT change and alter our schedule continuously. I truly believe one of the greatest successes of a parent is to be so in tune with the needs of your children that you realize when the next stage of their life journey is calling for you to make changes. To love them so deeply and to be willing to invest the time to know them so deeply you are able to recognize when to change things around, throw in the towel, or start something completely and utterly “out of the box” for their sake…WOW, now THAT is the sign of parenting with a passion!

Do not be hard on yourself when something doesn’t work for you. This doesn’t make you a failure, this makes you a success story because you are in tune enough with yourself and your family to recognize something failed! Thankfully, you are also blessed to have a spirit and a mind able to revaluate a plan and formulate a new solution.

Do not try to reorganize your life or your routine or your home all at once when you feel frustrated and worn. Aaaaahhh…your children will be walking around like robots and their brains will be shouting “overload, overload, overload”. One step at a time...day-by-day!

When I feel like everything is going wrong and I can’t get out of my own way, I know that nothing that is bothering me is actually what is bothering me! (You may have to read that sentence again.) I often tell Jarrod when I have a “laundry list” of problems and frustrations this simply means I have one problem I have not yet figured out! So, for me, this calls for quiet time. No matter what it takes, I know this is the time to move mountains and enlist my family to help move them so I can have time for prayer and meditation. This always – always – always – helps me to pinpoint the main source of discontent in my current situation. Being in tune with my spirit and letting my spirit guide my decisions is what allows me to Live by Heart’s Intent. This gives me a focus and a starting point. I can then find peace with whatever is wrong and begin dealing with it and working on it in a new way.

Now, this does not mean that the two children screaming, the one who was lying, the cat who threw up everywhere, the 10 loads of laundry waiting on me, the back log of work from my job, or the leaking roof are not still problems. Those are still there. They are still waiting for my magical touch. However, by focusing on the one root issue my spirit says it is time to focus on first, I am able to peacefully think through the other tasks one at a time. Having a spiritually focused life (and please realize I did not say a religiously focused life, but rather, I very clearly said a spiritually focused life) is what allows me to find peace and clarity to begin conquering the inevitable problems I face daily on my life path.

Maddy and her list.
It starts young. :)

So, for those who are so overwhelmed with their life’s “laundry list” of to-dos and problems, I highly recommend throwing all of the list out the window and finding quiet time. Whatever it takes – move mountains, enlist help, and do it!! I run a 7 person household, volunteer at the school, work 2 part time jobs, and on and on, so if you are looking for sympathy to not being able to find quiet time…hahaha…find another source! No sympathy here! I strongly believe without finding your quiet time, you will not be able to succeed anywhere else in your life! You must let your spirit tell you what is most important and begin from there. The beginning is always a good place to start and your Spirit is always a sure-fire source of what is important.

Today, I wish for your Spirit to guide the priorities in your life and for you to feel successful because of your failures.

The Personality of Chores

OK, I’m going to START this blog by saying I’m feeling quite lame focusing on chores so much!

But, I keep getting requests, so I’ll keep going.

• If you are one of the moms who have asked how we do it and just want examples, scroll down to see pictures.
• If you are NOT interested in chores, skip today’s blog and I’ll move on to a new topic soon…promise.
• If you would like to see our pictures and want my thoughts on getting started….read my entry today and enjoy. J

A brilliant mathematician does not typically write novels; an electrician has little desire to perform surgery on a patient; and I’m pretty sure not many truck drivers want to conduct a symphony. Living a life of happiness includes seeking a career that fulfills our desires which most usually utilizes our natural abilities. God gave us those differences – strengths and weaknesses – for a reason! Know your child’s personality and fit his/her chore list to create success and to encourage adaptability around weaknesses. Sometimes trudging through tasks by using our weaker traits is just as (or more) important than focussing on using only our strengths! Balance...life is all about balance!

In jeopardy of sounding like a broken record (if you remember what those are), I fully believe chores are a foundation for learning to live a life of Heart’s Intent and they set a very solid foundation for seeking careers of enjoyment and fulfillment when they are implemented well. This being said, IF you want your chores to be successful and IF you want the task to be more of a life lesson than a simple daily task, the thought before making the chores, the time to create the process, and the 2 weeks of boot camp to enforce them, will be much more excruciating (and rewarding) than any of the time spent actually accomplishing the jobs.

Some of you have emailed me and others have asked me in person how to even begin chores in your house and my answer simply is…there is not simple answer! Your house and your chores are different than any other. I said from the beginning of this blog I believe all families are soooooo different from one another and comparing our lives or imitating another’s home would be pointless because the result will be unfulfilling. However, the tie that binds is Parenting with a Passion. So, if your gut says something is missing, please take the time to think about chores. Ask yourself…

            Why do I want chores in my home?

            What ages are my children and what are they capable of?

            What natural strengths do each of my children possess?

            What weaker traits do they need to develop more?

            When are my children available to do chores?

            And, one of my favorites….

                        What jobs does Mommy NOT enjoy doing?

                       

Oh yeah….don’t tell the kids about that last one! Chores are most importantly for the sake of the children, however, you take the time to do them right and you deserve to reap some of the benefits. Right?

These questions will get you to the starting point. Chores are an evolving process in our home and they always will be! As my children grow, our home’s needs change, their schedules change, and as we continue to RAISE A FARM OF PETS in our suburban home (ugh) our chores will continue to change as well.  

Our current home chores are as follows:

All of their charts are based on morning, afternoon, and night time chores. This helps breaks up the tasks throughout the day. Also, their dinner assignment nights are selected by eliminating those who have dance, soccer, etc on certain days. Laundry days are decided by when they are available to put the laundry away (Mommy does NOT like it sitting in the basket). They do not have laundry on their tutoring days or extracurricular activity days and the Cotta kids have schedules that will work around the weekends they are with Daddy. Weekend chores can be done on Saturday or Sunday, but are marked off to clearly show they are not expected during the week.

THESE charts are created by a mom with slight OCD, so as I said..not all will be the same! :)



11 yrs old. Her chores are mainly developed out of need of
cleaning jobs she most often needs reminders of. She chose her pet chore,
she does not need a reminder to read nightly, and she gets
paid when tutoring her sister. She accepts having a chart on the wall with the little
guys, however I respect her being older by not making her check off the list.
This is more of a reference for both of us as to what I expect of her.

 


9 yrs old. Sky Bear is my girl who needs "focus goggles" to accomplish tasks.
I am very specific with what I expect of her and check on her often during chore
time to get her back on task, but her strength is her meticulous attention to detail.
If a cabinet needs reorganizing, she's the one I call on and she is happy to do it!



9 yrs old. Kenzie Girl loves having a chart and getting things done without
being told. She is often the first to get going and the first to get done. Sometimes
I have to slow her down to focus on doing her chores instead of
rushing to get on with the next thing in her day. If I need help doing a quick
clean for company on the way, she will get the job done QUICK!



6 yrs old and ONLY boy. He just graduated to a chart without pictures
included (so did Maddy) and I've tried to use wording they are
able to sound out. He gets medicine daily and his chart encourages
him to be responsible (with me) for remembering this. Also,
he gets the yard toy job because he often creates the yard mess and honestly
he is ALL boy and would rather be outside than stuck inside with us!
He only does laundry once a week because he hates it!
(He would wear the same clothes every day if I would let him)
Our compromise to him hating laundry day
is doing a bigger load only once per week.



6 yrs old. She meticulously marks off her chores daily and it helps her
in learning the days of the week, reading the words on the chart, and
feeling accomplished...which is a BIG deal to her! She sprays our door handles
or wipes the light switches (alternates) daily to help everyone stay healthy.
This is a perfect example of using a strength..she's a slow go detail girl
who always gets it done well!



If you have questions about our chores or need help developing your thoughts or if you want to add your own great ideas, PLEASE DO! Also, if you are interested in another mom's specific chore thoughts, I really recommend reading Sue's comment a few posts back. She gave a great perspective on how she implements them in her home!

Today, I wish for you....

A new desire to not do for your children, but instead teach them to do for themselves!

I'll Put Your Allowance Jar Right Next to Mine

As with all parenting subjects, perspectives will most certainly vary for each of our families. I’m not suggesting my thoughts are the right way for you, I’m simply giving a perspective as it has successfully worked for my family. That being said…

THIS MOMMA DON’T PAY ALLOWANCE!!

They have all heard me say,

“When YOU pay ME for cleaning and cooking daily,
I’ll pay YOU for making your bed!”

Knowing I probably won’t get paid for my chores any time soon,

I’m not too concerned with saving my money to fill their allowance jar, either! J

Keeping in a mind set of chores being a foundation for the work they are to do as adults, I do not believe money is the appropriate award for children who complete chores. When they are older and have paying jobs, there is no doubt in my mind a paycheck will be an encouraging factor to keep them working. I do not have to pay them now to instill a desire for money in them later! Unfortunately, greed is already a  basis of human desire. This is definitely not a learned behavior, but rather a behavior we need to learn out of. We must be cautious because we can contribute to a negative emphasis on money in their lives if we consistently use money as a reward when they are children. I do not want my grown children to work simply for a paycheck and I do not want them to contribute to our family now simply for an allowance.

As parents, we have always provided for the needs of our children and the money they would earn for chores (if they did earn money) would go towards wants, not needs. I want them to understand the true rewards of their contributions are of non-monitory value. I hope and pray this lesson will continue with them as they choose their future careers. Although I understand they will need a paycheck for survival, I hope they are in a position of living their lives by Heart’s Intent and choose a job for the rewards of the work, not for the money.

Even though I do not pay my own children for their daily chores, I do have an exception to my own rule. Many times in the past my children have asked for a special toy or trip and instead of simply giving it to them, I have given them the opportunity to earn it. They do not get rewarded for their expected daily chores, however if we have worked out a goal ahead of time, they are able to do services in our house above and beyond the minimum. This has taught them when you work above and beyond what is expected of you in life, you can reap not only the benefits of pride and satisfaction, but you may also be rewarded with additional desires.

My children have earned things such as money to spend or a special toy they wanted, but their requests usually fall more into categories like a friend can sleepover, you can choose the movie for family movie night, you can be the server at dinner time, or a one-on-one trip to the ice cream store (or the Dollar Store a.k.a. “Heaven-On-Earth” to them). In the new world of pre-teens, I realize a PS3 game purchase, new CD, or new shoes work well to make her smile. She is a great money saver, also, so she has been paid and saved money for large rewards such as Kids College or camp fees in the past.

In our home, they most often receive special rewards for helping with a sibling. Especially when helping with homework because our current education system seems to believe we should do 6 hrs of school and 4 hrs of homework in addition to sports, dance, free time, family time, dinner time, bath time, reading time, and all of the other time that fits into our most typical 96 hour day!  Homework help with a sibling is greatly appreciated!! If we get a bit behind on our laundry schedule, folding or helping with someone else’s stack is highly appreciated and rewarded as well.

By the way…my children all knew how to work the life cycle of laundry at the age of 5! This includes sorting, loading, working the machines on your own, folding, AND putting away! I did help the little guys with soap for a while, though, for fear of our home floating away on a cloud of bubbles. They’ve mastered this art now and although I help out more during the school year, in summer time, they are on their own!

If you have a neighbor or grandparent who you need help caring for or if you are doing a big cleaning getting ready for a family dinner…those are great extra chores, too. All-in-all, I would suggest you make chores about the satisfaction of getting them complete. Don’t make the emphasis on money.

Today, I wish for you, to find a new application in your life for the old cliché 

“Money doesn’t buy happiness.”

          …or love

                    …or satisfaction

                              …or even really good chore-completing-children.

My this Spring Break bring new focus to Spring Cleaning! :)

Driving is Driving Me Crazy

If I could type blogging articles directly from my brain while driving kids to and from soccer, school, meetings, dance, parties, and doctor appointments I would blog a book every day! However, technology is not quite that advanced and even if it were, with 5 children, I wouldn’t be able to afford this technology until after the kids were grown, educated, and married! By then, I won’t be able to remember the books I currently write in my head.

So, for now, the 100+ miles I drive in the car escorting children (which, by the way, was my total for just yesterday and I didn’t leave a 15 mile radius of our home) will have to be spent just enjoying imaginatively writing books in my head and I will continue to dream of a day when I can actually sit and type them into a computer.

If I didn’t have a blended family of 7 with such busy lives, I would have a lot more time to write. Ironically…..I guess I wouldn’t have much to write about either!



Although I tire of driving children so often (and my wallet screams in gas price anguish), I know the time in the car is much appreciated, too. My 10 minute drive with only Shelby (my 6^th grader) each morning is often our saving grace in maintaining our relationship; Tuesday Dance Practice Insanity is a great time to finish the entire week’s worth of kindergarten homework (times 2) for the little guys; and Skylar smiles and laughs like no other time when in the car alone with Mommy, top down, and with whatever crazy music she chooses to blare!



So, even though driving seems to be driving me crazy, I will choose to accept it and make the best of the moments it creates!











Today, I wish for you to enjoy

the moments in front of you,

without longing for them to change!

Chores are NOT about Cleaning



In the children's hallway, we have a family calendar,
school calendars, daily chore charts,
backpack hooks, and hangers to hang
tomorrow's school clothes.
Simple organization
definately simplifies our lives!



My children will not be surprised I am starting my parenting ideas by discussing chores. My Skylar called me “Sergeant Mommy” when she was only 4, My Shelby compared me to the “Drill Sergeant as a Therapist” Geico commercial recently (you know the one where he throws the tissue box and calls the client a cry baby), and the others often salute me in the middle of chore time. However, they all still hug and kiss me daily and they often smile during chore time, so I guess we could agree…there is a method to my madness! Chores are a daily part of our lives.

When my children were quite young, I remember watching shows and reading books in which real parents gave their individual prospective on chores. One idea I repeatedly heard was you should not call chores “chores”, but give them a more creative and constructive name as to encourage your children to do them and not place a stigma on the bad aspects of the job. I considered it and I even began a soft approach to the subject with the kids, then I realized chores are chores. If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck! One of my parenting jobs was not to deceive my children into thinking sucky things in life are fun; my job was to teach them why we have to do the sucky things. You can call them anything you want, but after the excitement of having new and special jobs wears off, the kids are not going to like doing them! You are an adult now…have you ever learned to LIKE your chores?

I believe chores are a natural responsibility that any and every family member does to contribute to the family. The type and amount of chores varies according to the abilities and age of each member, the needs of the family, and according to the time availability of the member. However, all members of my family have chores not only because they have the responsibility of contributing, but more importantly because they have the right to feel the rewards of their contribution. If you asked any of my children (and possibly my friends, too), they would probably tell you, “Mommy likes to clean. She cleans ALL the time.” To an extent, I do enjoy the process of cleaning. I enjoy the mindless time to perform an easy task while allowing my mind to wander to other places. However, I do not enjoy doing the chores as much as I enjoy the result of having cleanliness and order in my life. My motivation for doing my own chores is knowing the result will give me great satisfaction. So, instead of attempting to disguise chores or to glitter them with excitement, I have tried to instill the motivation of pride and satisfaction in effort to encourage the children to trudge through them and then appreciate their hard work.

I have been asked to break down the technicalities of how my family accomplishes daily chores; how I assign them, how I enforce them, yada...yada...yada. This will take me several blogs, though. I will tell you my thoughts on allowance, age appropriate chore assignments, gender and personality adaptations, and the logistics of implementing and enforcing chores. I have changed our chore routine and focus many times over the years and I’m sure I will continue to change it as our children grow and our family’s needs change. No family will do it just like ours and we will do it just like no other. However, we can all borrow ideas and thoughts from one another because Parenting with Heart’s Intent means we care enough about our parenting roles to pay attention to the signs and influences placed in our life path to teach us. Please feel free to share your ideas as we go through these subjects, also! I may want to borrow from you!!

Today, I wish for you to begin a journey of realizing that even something as trivial as daily chores can be used as an incredible tool in guiding the sweet spirits of your children as they progress into their own life journeys.

Your Turn....Chores?

Before I reveal my personal belief on chores, I'm really hoping to find out about your family! How old are your children and do they or do they not do "chores" in your home? (Or, did they, if your children are grown?)

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Thank you, Friends.

No Show Ponies

I began brainstorming for a book after so many friends made comments to me about starting a blog or writing a book about parenting. I have always loved writing, but never thought I would write a non-fiction book about my life or parenting. Why would anyone want to hear about my life? Even to think about writing about my children, I thought, “No way!” Although I think they are miraculously great and wonderful, as all parents should, that is the exact problem. Why would I make a book about my children for you to read when your children are the ones you are to enjoy? You don’t want to read about mine!

So, I decided to not make it about me or my children, specifically, and just write about my parenting experiences. For whatever reasons, others seemed to think my experiences were interesting and they could often relate to them.  So, I could write simply about those experiences and share some ideas for whoever might want to read them. This would be simple. Brainstorm a list of the ideas I have tried at home, write about the details, and those who wanted to try them, would, and those who didn’t want to, wouldn’t. I’m a parent of 5 children, I have a degree in Elementary Education, I have taught school, homeschooled, and now my children are in school, so although I’m still young, I have a diverse prospective to share. Simple, right? Well, as I started writing I realized my parenting isn’t about ideas. I’m not a walking crash course on parenting. First of all, I do not always succeed and the failures are actually what make up more of who I am, so my crash course wouldn’t grant you many college credits, I’m sure. Second of all, I’m just a normal mom who loves her kids and occasionally entertains people on Facebook with status updates. Why would you want to know more about me? My story seems simple and like so many others.  

As I began writing some of the chapters for this book, the conclusion I found is that parenting isn’t something I do, it is something I am. Parenting is my passion! I’m not sure the requests for me to write have as much to do with me lending ideas to others to use in their homes as it has to do with others wanting to share in the enjoyment I have for parenting! There are so many wonderful parents in this world who parent in so many different ways! Some have traditional homes with mom, dad and kiddos. Some have single parent homes, some have blended families, and some have adopted children. Others are grandparents and family members trying to raise children with no other place to go. We have working parents and stay-at-home parents. “Parents” is a very broad term covering a very broad variety of people! Some of us planned to be here undertaking this job title and some of us did not. I am a biological parent to 3 children who were very planned. I am a step-mom to 2 children who I, obviously, did not plan. I am blessed beyond words to have them all in my life.

Although we all have different stories on how we became parents, we have a very similar life theme. We are responsible for guiding other human beings on their life journeys and sometimes we succeed in our choices and sometimes we fail. Great parents do both, succeed and fail, and the greatest of the great parents do both on a daily basis! Parenting is not based on the choices you make that are right and wrong. Parenting is based on Living by your Heart’s Intent!

The intentions of your heart determine the choices you make as a parent. As loving parents, we have full intent to do what is best for our children out of love for their soul and individual life journeys. You do not have to be a mother of 5 in a blended family to relate to my parenting stories or ideas. You must simply be a parent who is Living by Heart’s Intent. That is the tie that binds us. This is how I relate to others.

To live your life attempting to find balance for yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually as you simultaneously focus selflessly on the children you have been asked to care for makes YOU a great parent. Please notice I specifically said “attempting”. Your merit is not based on how successfully you discipline or how much time you spend with them or how mushy gushy you love on them. If they are potty trained by 18 months or have a bottle still when they are 3, it’s ok! If they graduate Magna Cum Laude from the University or if they drop out of high school, it’s ok! Their life journey is just that, theirs! Your merit and your life journey is based on the fact that you recognize your responsibilities as a parent and instead of seeing it as a responsibility, you call it a blessing.

You make daily choices based on your desire to have pure heart intentions. God will give you the desires of your heart. If you desire to have perfected parenting skills and raise brilliant “show ponies” for all the world to see; I’m thinking you may be following your own selfish desires. If you think this blog or any of the 20 parenting books on your shelf will give you all the tools needed to “do it right”; I’m thinking you will have a very unfulfilling road ahead. But, if you feel in your heart to simply do the best you can for your children in the best way you know how with the purest of hope for the fulfillment of their life journeys, then congratulations! I feel you are listening to the desires God placed in your heart and you will be a blessing to your “little blessings” of responsibility!

I will continue this blog and although I will always trust my heart as to what I need to write about each week, I do have a long list of ideas brainstormed already. I will write about chores, allowance, meal planning, disciplining, and all of the other many things a parent experiences, but hopefully I can place a new and creative spin on the thoughts with each of these things. Parenting is not black and white (ever) and hopefully by sharing some of my ideas I can inspire you in some small way on your own journey! Many of you have asked me ideas about specific things I do in our home; maybe because you know I am an intense OCD micro-organizer who always obsesses, but tries to do it with a smile…or maybe because you just wonder how my sanity is holding strong with 5 children! Either way, I will do my best to share about what you have asked of me. Please feel free to leave a comment, question, or email me personally if you would like to keep a struggle you may be having private! I can promise you this…if you are struggling with something, so are a million other parents, so please feel free to be honest! Even when we don’t have an answer for each other, we can surely share the burden and make the experience more bearable!

Today, I wish for each of you to congratulate yourself, thank yourself, and appreciate yourself for accepting the job of parenting! To keep your head up and start each day new says a lot about who you are and please trust I know, that some days, that simple step of starting again, can be a BIG task.

Filling a Leaky Cup

Today, I am worn. Many times over the years I have envied the simplicity of the life of the mom on Little House on the Prairie. Sure, I appreciate a washing machine, the grocery store, my car, and of course the phone and internet to keep in touch with friends. However, I marvel at the thoughts of living my days simply to focus only on the needs of my husband and children. Thoughts of days when there would be time to sit by a creek in the middle of nowhere and do nothing are very enticing. I’m sure if even we had a vacation like this, my time would come when I felt rested and ready to get back to the hustle of life, but still the life race can feel overwhelming. Of course we do not have to grow our own food, sew our own clothes, do hard labor in the way of the old times, but really at what cost? We now constantly move in fast-forward to get children to school, go to jobs outside of the home, take kids to sports, to dance, to meetings, to parties. We fill our only two days a week to enjoy our family often racing from one party to the next or grocery shopping or cleaning or doing whatever other million things are on “our list”. To take a vacation or stop and enjoy some family time, we have to literally push off something else on “our list”. Why do we always have to have this list??

I say this not because I am so overwhelmed by the meaningless things; those simply have to be put into perspective. I’m not frustrated with the dance and sports and parties, the kids love them and I love seeing their enjoyment. I’ve had a rough “step-mom” day, though, and times when I have so much to do and I’m already so tired, it is hard to accept that our lives are so busy I cannot slow down to emotionally provide in the ways I wish I could. Sure, I do the best I can and everyone in our lives is so encouraging to me, but you know as well as I know that no matter what other people say, we set a standard for ourselves! I’ve always chuckled at the quote from Mr. Incredible (I know hold your admiration for me as I quote the great and famous cartoon character). He said, “Since when do we celebrate mediocracy?” We know in our gut what God has made us personally cable of accomplishing and when we are properly in tune with our Spirit, we know when we are accepting less of ourselves than we should. I am admittingly very guilty of acting angry towards my family when I’m really angry and disappointed in myself. My frustrations of not being able to accomplish what I want, makes me intensely attempt to find more control in my life and this often  materializes in ways such as barking more chores, being more strict about house rules, or being very short tempered. As for times like this weekend, I feel like my “Step-Momma-Wart” grows huge!

Times like this force me to take a BIG step back and evaluate the balance of my life. My life IS what I want, but to keep a balance is the utmost greatest task I hold. I did not choose to live this “rat race”; I would have been a very happy Little House on the Prairie mom. However, in the same moment of thought, I would not desire to give up or drastically change any area of my life. I love our modern conveniences because it has allowed my children to experience so many wonderful things in life and most importantly, we are now connected to other people (countless family and friends) who enrich us beyond words. I believe it is time for me to accept the mediocracy of my abilities in the super-human world I am attempting to live in!! To humbly accept my limitations and to sincerely appreciate the blessings it brings to do such is an important, but very hard to do!

In attempt to metaphorically speak in the best way my heart understands today, I have an adorably wonderful little step daughter who has been through so much and because of her lack of understanding and her honest and sincere human strive to NOT accept mediocracy in her life, she seems to have this little hole I can’t fill. I can provide for her, give her structure, teach her balance, and love her with every ounce of my being, but I cannot fill this tiny hole. I find myself worn and at times exhausted as I keep attempting to “fill her little cup”, but watch as it slowly leaks through that tiny hole once again. That damn tiny hole!! My motherly desire to fix things for them all turns to my doubt in our life balance. I turn to my “only if I could” thoughts. This is a place I know all mothers understand. But, today, once again I am reminded to accept my mediocracy and my limitations. My job isn’t to fix the little hole, my job is to keep balance in our family life and make sure I personally get filled so I can keep on filling up their little emotional cups; no matter what has caused them to be emptied once again. I wish I could put spackle on that stupid hole and make her feel  more complete, but I cannot and I must keep reminding myself that time to travel her own life path will help heal wounds she doesn’t even realize exist right now.

So, as so many of my parenting experiences lead me through frustration and doubt, I will again end where it always seems to leave me…knowing I live by my heart’s intent. I cannot achieve it all or succeed at it all or always find a way to have a good day, but I can lay my head on my pillow knowing my heart is guiding my life. Knowing I make mistakes daily, I have regrets, and I will always feel I can do better, but really, what is better? If I am acting out of good and honest heart intentions, I am doing the best I can. I will just continue to hope my children watch my struggles and instead of judging me or holding a grudge against me, I hope they will learn the end result is always happiness when you make choices with good heart intentions.

Today, I wish you comfort in living by your heart's intent!

"The Y Dance"

I have been asked by so many people if I Blog and instead of saying, “Nope” one more time, I thought, “Sure, why not?” But, to create a blog about parenting or teaching or whatever else you crazy people have asked me to write about, I must begin with the core of who I am and how I live “The Y Dance” daily.

My Grandmother is a remarkable woman who we all know as Gurnie. She was truly the first Best Friend I ever had and certainly the one who has made the biggest impression upon my heart. Among her many stories I will cherish forever, here is one that will resonate like no other…

She met a man, Clyde Benton, around the 1940s in their little Podunk town in Alabama. Through mutual friends, he was introduced to her and he quickly made up his mind to know her better. One day, home from the Navy, he wandered into where she worked and after a little coercing from his friends, he was bold enough to ask her out.  She, being a very reserved young country girl, was flattered by his request while feeling a bit perturbed by the obvious scent of alcohol on his breath. She accepted his request, gave him the day and time she would be available after work, and as he walked away she chuckled knowing the date would not happen because there was no way he would remember their conversation.

The next day, the handsome young soldier showed up to apologize and ask if she would please tell him the day and time again because he could not remember. The simple young country girl, knowing the depth of her self worth, simply replied, “I’m not telling you again.” Then, she gave him a smile and sent him on his way. The next day, he returned. Then, the next day, he returned. He returned again and again until finally, he came on the right night and the rest of their lives began.

A short time later or as Gurnie would say, “While he was courting me,” they were walking home from an evening out with friends. He was walking her down a long dirt road, barely lit, to her little home in the country. He asked her if she had ever “Y Danced”. She laughed, saying, “Why, no. You know my father would never allow me to dance.” He leaned in as they walked to softly ask if he could teach her. Being young and obviously now in love, she said yes. After walking a bit further, he stopped her under a dimly lit street light. He twirled her around and pulled her close and then froze, staring at her. She, a little overwhelmed by their closeness and the silence said, “I thought you were going to teach me to Y Dance.” He replied, “Why Dance when I can just hold you close?” Then he kissed her for the first time.

Gurnie and Gurndad married and created a wonderful legacy for the children and grandchildren to come. As I think back to the significance of the moment of their first kiss, I realize “The Y Dance” is completely about enjoying the here and now! It is about living life in the moment and loving what is right in front of you! My past has molded who I am and I am definitely planning for my future. However, I do not live in the memories of my past and I do not worry about the events of my future. I live for this very moment. I parent with passion and I make sure the man I love knows I love him every day. I trust everything else to fall in the place it is meant to fall.

I plan to enjoy “The Y Dance” every day of my life and with those who are interested, I will share some of those moments here. As you read, I hope you will comment on what you enjoy, what you may disagree with, and ask what you would like to hear my thoughts on. Mostly, I hope my blog will encourage you to find the many moments of happiness to enjoy “The Y Dance” of your life!