by A Straight Girl
My
daughter’s middle school has recently had an upheaval because a young girl
petitioned to begin a Gay Straight Alliance Club. The school board quickly went
into motion to not allow this club. The school board in the county where I teach;
where 5 of my children attend school; where I attended school; where 4
generations of my family attended school. I have felt an overwhelming passion
regarding this subject and although my desire to be open and vocal is not
surprising, the source of my passion regarding this subject was something I had
never explored…until tonight.
I “came
out of the closet” with one of my
dearest friends about 6 years ago and that moment changed my life forever! I
was a happily married woman, who homeschooled my 3 children, and religiously
attended my Southern Baptist church at least 3 times per week. I worked closely
with one of our Church’s Children’s Directors. We spent hours and hours
together planning, teaching children, and chaperoning summer camps. I knew his
heart. I knew he loved God. I knew he loved children. I knew he was one of the
kindest and purest souls I had ever met. We formed a sincere friendship and he
had sincerely earned my admiration and respect.
My
world had recently taken a much unexpected turn when my husband moved out. I
was left wondering and questioning everything I had ever known and I felt I was
daily living in the twilight zone. I was blessed with many wonderful and
supportive friends; among them was of course, this dear friend. He was
sincerely supportive and caring as I traveled through this unknown territory. I
will never – ever – forget the Saturday evening, already lying in bed, when my
dear friend called and asked if we could talk. He shared with me that he was
Gay. It hit me like a ton of bricks – literally! My breath was taking away and
my already spinning-out-of-control world seemed to spin even more violently! I
hung up thinking there is NO way this is true. Being gay is a very black and
white subject. I have always been taught it is wrong. God doesn’t condone it.
The Bible speaks against it. How could God let this happen to someone who so
obviously had such a loving heart for Him? I wept and I prayed and I tossed and
I turned and then…. A spark lit inside me that was like nothing I had ever felt
before. Something was wrong and yet everything suddenly felt so very right!
Waking
up at the crack of dawn, I spent almost 8 straight hours reading passages from
my Bible (which I had already read in its entirety twice in my life). I pulled
out Bible Reference books, I utilized online Bible search tools and read any and
every verse having anything to do with homosexuality, and… I listened to My
God. I listened to MY God in a way I never had before. I listened to Him
without the influence of others. I listened to Him without the hesitation and judgment
of the world. I listened to Him from the purest place I had ever been with Him.
At the end of this time of meditation on His Word, I realized He said nothing
derogatory about being Gay. He spoke against adultery. He spoke against violent
sexual acts. He spoke against child molestation. He even spoke against animal
molestation. He spoke against many subjects involving acts derived from fear and
acts causing fear, but He never addressed the subject of a gay individual
entering into a monogamous relationship and living in a committed and loving
way. He didn’t speak of homosexuality and love. He didn’t speak against it or
for it. He didn’t speak of it.
My God
just broke out of My Box!
I was
so excited I could not wait to call and talk to my dear friend. I could not
wait to tell him I loved him and supported him. I did not say, as so many
others were saying, “I love you and will be your friend still and will pray for
you.” No…I loved him for being him and I knew God loved and supported him as
well! That was one of the best phone calls I ever made. I am a straight girl
who was so excited to bust out of the closet! I could hardly stand the
excitement!!
This
moment, as I said, was a turning point. I realized nothing was black and white
except Love and Fear. Those were the only two things that were always
recognizable in every situation. I realized either Love or Fear was present in
every aspect of life. We all know “God is Love.” We certainly have never heard “God
is Fear.” I was on a new journey. I was on a journey for truth and love and
acceptance. I read the words from the Bible in a whole new way. I was,
expectedly, condemned by so many people. I was going against the grain. Many
whom I considered to be dear friends felt, from their perspective, I was going
against God’s law. To this day, I am still condemned by many, but the great
thing I have realized –
THEY have NO POWER to condemn me and GOD has NO DESIRE to
condemn me!
I’m truly free! I thought Jesus
died to save us from our sins and then I realized Jesus died to SAVE US FROM
OUR SINS…our sins of misunderstanding His Word and His true purpose. He saved
us from having a need to live under a man-made law written from the perspective
of humans who He openly claimed are not without error and do not understand the
fullness of the world in the way He does. I was freed to realize the only thing
that truly matters to God is to live a life with the purest of Heart’s intent
to live in love! Love leads you to ALL that is right… ALL of the time!
Although
I was freed from my narrow-minded views at this point in my life, I will admit
I went through a time when I questioned so much. Although I knew God was
clearly speaking to me and asking me to live outside of the expectations I had
always lived under, it was a challenging road to go against what felt so
comfortable and what I had thought to be truth for so long. It was a
challenging thought to stand up and boldly say I believe in God, but I’m going
boldly against what I have been taught that God believes.
I moved
into a new home with the Love of My Life (whom I had been reunited with after
13 years apart) and we made a conscious decision to blend our families, with 5
children, together. This was, as the saying goes, “the straw that broke the
camel’s back.” (Which, I don’t even understand the origin of that statement,
but we all know what it means) I could no longer just fly under the radar and
attend church. I no longer “just” supported that Gay guy. I now “lived in sin”
and included my children. Also, I did not just quietly move into the house with
My Love. I, being the vocal person I am, wrote a long letter to my dear friends
and several of my church leaders. I boldly claimed I was making a move I knew
God was asking me to make. Needless to say, that didn’t sit well with my Pastor…
or the Pastor of the next church I attended who had been called by one of my
previous pastor… or of the next church who had also been contacted. (Living in
the same county for your entire life has perks and pitfalls, haha) At this
point, I knew God was asking me to do something so far out of the norm and understanding
of others. I was seen as someone who undoubtedly loved and lived for Him and
not someone who would be expected to “fall by the wayside.” So, He was asking
me to be bold and trust Him in a way that would make a statement and in hope to
encourage others to stop and question
what they knew to be true. I followed, but was still a bit confused with some
things.
Returning
to the statement of “questioning so much”, I was in a place of feeling as if I
was deciphering the Bible all over again. Only this time, I was deciphering it
side by side with the true Author and not a translator. I was questioning what
parts were authentic and what exactly did each part mean. For several years, I
had been hanging framed Bible verses over all of my light switches. I call
these “light switch verses” and they seem to jump out at me at just the exact
needed time when I turn on or off the lights. I hung my verses in our new home
and read each one thinking, “OK, I still get this one, I’ll hang it.” I came to
the last one and I did NOT like it! I was in a place (mentally and spiritually)
where I felt peace not liking it because I was still deciphering truth from false
interpretation. I was ok not agreeing fully with something I read, however I
did not want a verse hanging in my home which I did not full heartedly agree
with. I hung it in what seemed to be an inconspicuous place with the plan of
just changing it out later. I hung it – don’t laugh – over my bathroom light
switch. Ironically, that ended up being the verse I sat and stared at the most.
Ugh! For months, I kept thinking I needed to change it. Then, one day, the
verse was read to me. I heard it this time. I heard it from The Author. I heard
this verse and realized it was my life verse! It had been guiding me every step
of the way and there was not a more appropriate or meaningful verse ever – for me.
The verse said,
“So follow My example, and God, who gives you peace, will be
with you.” Philippians 4:9
Oh… My…. God! Literally! MY God was there and was comforting
me and was encouraging me and was reminding me that I was doing exactly what He
wanted me to do! Many people find church and get saved. I found my way out of
church to get saved. I then allowed myself the freedom to read or listen to
anything and everything. When I began to live daily in a completely nonjudgmental
and open way, I realized my “God Gut” guides me in all I do! If ever I am
unsure of what to believe or what not to believe, I don’t run to another human
to ask… I pray, I meditate, and when I find peace and love – I know there, too,
is My God. My God is not fear. My God is not in anything that includes fear. My
God is love – always love.
My story is so out of the norm and
so different from those we often hear and is so WAY out of what seems to be the
accepted beliefs (especially living in the Bible Belt), but I am OK with that.
I am OK with others agreeing or not agreeing with me. I am OK with my best
friends attending church, while my other best friends do not. I am OK with me
and my life choices. I am OK with it all because My God is MORE than OK with
me! I am, for the first time in my life, swimming with the stream of life and
not against it. I am happy and joyous and free and for those who cringe at my
choices or my beliefs, I am OK with that, too. I support Gays, I live with my boyfriend, I
don’t attend church, and I know without even a millisecond of hesitation- My
God is good with all of that. As a matter of fact, I think He daily smiles on
my sweet family and our diverse views and fun way of living. I certainly know
He blesses us for it.
So, as I reflect on why this young
girl’s plea to begin a Gay Straight Alliance Club has affected me so greatly
(which, by the way, since beginning to write this story, the school board has
voted FOR her right to begin this club - YAY), it is because when my brave and
wonderful friend came out of the closet, I came out of the box! I live my life
free and I am so thankful for a Savior who died for me – to FREE me from my
sins – my sins of judgment and fear. He freed me to live this life of Love!
I believe the misunderstanding is when they feel I have a
specific goal of who they should be and when I push them to achieve greatness,
they feel I am pushing them to be without flaw. Ha… without flaw… oh, if I
could have only one passing moment of my life that I, myself, am without flaw. Although,
the ironic thought would be, if we were without flaw, we would not be perfect
because doesn’t perfection include a perfect preparedness for evolving to the
next stage? “Without flaw” would insinuate we have achieved the highest form of
being. I believe our understanding of perfection is quite skewed.
I enforce house chores because it teaches them to contribute
to their family and later, this understanding will transform into their opportunity
to contribute to society. I correct their acts of “sibling rivalry” not because
I expect it to disappear, but because I want them to be in the habit of
reflecting on what they say and do. I correct when they speak disrespectfully
to others, not because every word to leap from their tongue is expected to be
precise in all moments, but because I want them to realize disrespect of others
is more simply a reflection of disrespecting yourself. I check their homework,
communicate with their teachers, and reward or punish according to grades. I do
not do this because I expect everyone to be on the honor roll or because I always
agree with the content of the school work or because I feel their grades
reflect who they are. I do this because I know they must learn to accept what
IS, before they can achieve what comes next. I, like the children, dream of a
world where the focus is on humanity and love and happiness. I do not want the
focus to be careers and material possessions.
However, in the acceptance of what IS, we must recognize our planet is
not operating on such a vibration. I must accept what IS and to the best of my
ability, as a mom, prepare my children to be adults in the world in which we presently
live. I help them take all that is in front of them: the good and the bad, the
challenging and the easy, and conquer it at every level. I strive to help them
achieve high goals and my heart smiles as I watch them experience the fulfillment
of such achievements.
One of our daughters has always struggled with school. The
school work has challenged and frustrated her. The school environment has been
brutal on her. The feeling of being discouraged has, at times, consumed her. After
years and years of tutoring, hours upon hours of struggling, and seemingly
unending lectures from the tyrants who raise her (often called Mom and Dad),
she came to a moment of realizing she would have to seriously step up and
seriously study to pass an upper level science course. After studying for hours
each night, she came home the day before the test to tell me they had an in-class
review. She then proceeded to tell me she was the ONLY student who knew the
answer to EVERY question! I asked her how that felt and she replied, 
