Your Spirit and "The Laundry List"

Alex...in one of his very odd
dressing stages. I pick my
battles. Clean clothes are
often my only requirement
with him!

I have heard and felt a common theme from so many of my friends…although parenting tips and organizational tips seem shiny wrapped in a little simply explained package, most parents (and non-parents) are so overrun by the huge “laundry list” of things to accomplish daily that there is no time to implement new ideas in their lives. Most feel they don’t even have the time to stop and contemplate new ideas, much less seriously consider using them. Many think, “Chores? Are you kidding? I just want to get through my work day, serve one meal a week that wasn’t cooked, preserved, and frozen 10 states away, have clean clothes available for at least half of my family tomorrow, and hope my sanity lasts long enough to do it all again when the sun rises!!!”

I get it. I hear you. Take a breath…

Feeling like a failure some days? I’ve been there! I’d like to say I won’t go back to this place, but I will. That’s just life. If you give passionately and live passionately, then you feel passionately and failing is something we all feel at times.

I could write a book on chores because in our home there has been a literal evolution of chores. Chores, as with everything else we do as a family, mold, grow, change, and fall by the wayside when life dictates it needs to happen. Nothing I do for my children ever stays just the same all the time. I, personally, have absolutely no specially blessed powers to predict the future for my family, so I can’t make the perfect plan and stick to it. I do, however, have a blessing of intuitive problem solving. Every rule, every chore, every routine we follow has been created as a result of a problem first arising. Chores began in our home when, as a mom of 3 very small children, I was working and going to college full time and could not keep up the housework. Chores have now evolved into a daily routine of reaping the rewards of your contribution to our family. They set a basis of living a life of service and passion, rather than a life of greed and laziness. Consider evaluating the problems in your life to find a beginning point for change.

When I homeschooled, I often felt like a failure when we began getting off of our schedule and I had to regroup again and make a new schedule again. I could not understand why we were unable to stick to a plan for the long haul. If it works, just do it and stick to it….simple, right? My moment of intense realization was when I realized I would only be a failure if I did NOT change and alter our schedule continuously. I truly believe one of the greatest successes of a parent is to be so in tune with the needs of your children that you realize when the next stage of their life journey is calling for you to make changes. To love them so deeply and to be willing to invest the time to know them so deeply you are able to recognize when to change things around, throw in the towel, or start something completely and utterly “out of the box” for their sake…WOW, now THAT is the sign of parenting with a passion!

Do not be hard on yourself when something doesn’t work for you. This doesn’t make you a failure, this makes you a success story because you are in tune enough with yourself and your family to recognize something failed! Thankfully, you are also blessed to have a spirit and a mind able to revaluate a plan and formulate a new solution.

Do not try to reorganize your life or your routine or your home all at once when you feel frustrated and worn. Aaaaahhh…your children will be walking around like robots and their brains will be shouting “overload, overload, overload”. One step at a time...day-by-day!

When I feel like everything is going wrong and I can’t get out of my own way, I know that nothing that is bothering me is actually what is bothering me! (You may have to read that sentence again.) I often tell Jarrod when I have a “laundry list” of problems and frustrations this simply means I have one problem I have not yet figured out! So, for me, this calls for quiet time. No matter what it takes, I know this is the time to move mountains and enlist my family to help move them so I can have time for prayer and meditation. This always – always – always – helps me to pinpoint the main source of discontent in my current situation. Being in tune with my spirit and letting my spirit guide my decisions is what allows me to Live by Heart’s Intent. This gives me a focus and a starting point. I can then find peace with whatever is wrong and begin dealing with it and working on it in a new way.

Now, this does not mean that the two children screaming, the one who was lying, the cat who threw up everywhere, the 10 loads of laundry waiting on me, the back log of work from my job, or the leaking roof are not still problems. Those are still there. They are still waiting for my magical touch. However, by focusing on the one root issue my spirit says it is time to focus on first, I am able to peacefully think through the other tasks one at a time. Having a spiritually focused life (and please realize I did not say a religiously focused life, but rather, I very clearly said a spiritually focused life) is what allows me to find peace and clarity to begin conquering the inevitable problems I face daily on my life path.

Maddy and her list.
It starts young. :)

So, for those who are so overwhelmed with their life’s “laundry list” of to-dos and problems, I highly recommend throwing all of the list out the window and finding quiet time. Whatever it takes – move mountains, enlist help, and do it!! I run a 7 person household, volunteer at the school, work 2 part time jobs, and on and on, so if you are looking for sympathy to not being able to find quiet time…hahaha…find another source! No sympathy here! I strongly believe without finding your quiet time, you will not be able to succeed anywhere else in your life! You must let your spirit tell you what is most important and begin from there. The beginning is always a good place to start and your Spirit is always a sure-fire source of what is important.

Today, I wish for your Spirit to guide the priorities in your life and for you to feel successful because of your failures.

The Personality of Chores

OK, I’m going to START this blog by saying I’m feeling quite lame focusing on chores so much!

But, I keep getting requests, so I’ll keep going.

• If you are one of the moms who have asked how we do it and just want examples, scroll down to see pictures.
• If you are NOT interested in chores, skip today’s blog and I’ll move on to a new topic soon…promise.
• If you would like to see our pictures and want my thoughts on getting started….read my entry today and enjoy. J

A brilliant mathematician does not typically write novels; an electrician has little desire to perform surgery on a patient; and I’m pretty sure not many truck drivers want to conduct a symphony. Living a life of happiness includes seeking a career that fulfills our desires which most usually utilizes our natural abilities. God gave us those differences – strengths and weaknesses – for a reason! Know your child’s personality and fit his/her chore list to create success and to encourage adaptability around weaknesses. Sometimes trudging through tasks by using our weaker traits is just as (or more) important than focussing on using only our strengths! Balance...life is all about balance!

In jeopardy of sounding like a broken record (if you remember what those are), I fully believe chores are a foundation for learning to live a life of Heart’s Intent and they set a very solid foundation for seeking careers of enjoyment and fulfillment when they are implemented well. This being said, IF you want your chores to be successful and IF you want the task to be more of a life lesson than a simple daily task, the thought before making the chores, the time to create the process, and the 2 weeks of boot camp to enforce them, will be much more excruciating (and rewarding) than any of the time spent actually accomplishing the jobs.

Some of you have emailed me and others have asked me in person how to even begin chores in your house and my answer simply is…there is not simple answer! Your house and your chores are different than any other. I said from the beginning of this blog I believe all families are soooooo different from one another and comparing our lives or imitating another’s home would be pointless because the result will be unfulfilling. However, the tie that binds is Parenting with a Passion. So, if your gut says something is missing, please take the time to think about chores. Ask yourself…

            Why do I want chores in my home?

            What ages are my children and what are they capable of?

            What natural strengths do each of my children possess?

            What weaker traits do they need to develop more?

            When are my children available to do chores?

            And, one of my favorites….

                        What jobs does Mommy NOT enjoy doing?

                       

Oh yeah….don’t tell the kids about that last one! Chores are most importantly for the sake of the children, however, you take the time to do them right and you deserve to reap some of the benefits. Right?

These questions will get you to the starting point. Chores are an evolving process in our home and they always will be! As my children grow, our home’s needs change, their schedules change, and as we continue to RAISE A FARM OF PETS in our suburban home (ugh) our chores will continue to change as well.  

Our current home chores are as follows:

All of their charts are based on morning, afternoon, and night time chores. This helps breaks up the tasks throughout the day. Also, their dinner assignment nights are selected by eliminating those who have dance, soccer, etc on certain days. Laundry days are decided by when they are available to put the laundry away (Mommy does NOT like it sitting in the basket). They do not have laundry on their tutoring days or extracurricular activity days and the Cotta kids have schedules that will work around the weekends they are with Daddy. Weekend chores can be done on Saturday or Sunday, but are marked off to clearly show they are not expected during the week.

THESE charts are created by a mom with slight OCD, so as I said..not all will be the same! :)



11 yrs old. Her chores are mainly developed out of need of
cleaning jobs she most often needs reminders of. She chose her pet chore,
she does not need a reminder to read nightly, and she gets
paid when tutoring her sister. She accepts having a chart on the wall with the little
guys, however I respect her being older by not making her check off the list.
This is more of a reference for both of us as to what I expect of her.

 


9 yrs old. Sky Bear is my girl who needs "focus goggles" to accomplish tasks.
I am very specific with what I expect of her and check on her often during chore
time to get her back on task, but her strength is her meticulous attention to detail.
If a cabinet needs reorganizing, she's the one I call on and she is happy to do it!



9 yrs old. Kenzie Girl loves having a chart and getting things done without
being told. She is often the first to get going and the first to get done. Sometimes
I have to slow her down to focus on doing her chores instead of
rushing to get on with the next thing in her day. If I need help doing a quick
clean for company on the way, she will get the job done QUICK!



6 yrs old and ONLY boy. He just graduated to a chart without pictures
included (so did Maddy) and I've tried to use wording they are
able to sound out. He gets medicine daily and his chart encourages
him to be responsible (with me) for remembering this. Also,
he gets the yard toy job because he often creates the yard mess and honestly
he is ALL boy and would rather be outside than stuck inside with us!
He only does laundry once a week because he hates it!
(He would wear the same clothes every day if I would let him)
Our compromise to him hating laundry day
is doing a bigger load only once per week.



6 yrs old. She meticulously marks off her chores daily and it helps her
in learning the days of the week, reading the words on the chart, and
feeling accomplished...which is a BIG deal to her! She sprays our door handles
or wipes the light switches (alternates) daily to help everyone stay healthy.
This is a perfect example of using a strength..she's a slow go detail girl
who always gets it done well!



If you have questions about our chores or need help developing your thoughts or if you want to add your own great ideas, PLEASE DO! Also, if you are interested in another mom's specific chore thoughts, I really recommend reading Sue's comment a few posts back. She gave a great perspective on how she implements them in her home!

Today, I wish for you....

A new desire to not do for your children, but instead teach them to do for themselves!

I'll Put Your Allowance Jar Right Next to Mine

As with all parenting subjects, perspectives will most certainly vary for each of our families. I’m not suggesting my thoughts are the right way for you, I’m simply giving a perspective as it has successfully worked for my family. That being said…

THIS MOMMA DON’T PAY ALLOWANCE!!

They have all heard me say,

“When YOU pay ME for cleaning and cooking daily,
I’ll pay YOU for making your bed!”

Knowing I probably won’t get paid for my chores any time soon,

I’m not too concerned with saving my money to fill their allowance jar, either! J

Keeping in a mind set of chores being a foundation for the work they are to do as adults, I do not believe money is the appropriate award for children who complete chores. When they are older and have paying jobs, there is no doubt in my mind a paycheck will be an encouraging factor to keep them working. I do not have to pay them now to instill a desire for money in them later! Unfortunately, greed is already a  basis of human desire. This is definitely not a learned behavior, but rather a behavior we need to learn out of. We must be cautious because we can contribute to a negative emphasis on money in their lives if we consistently use money as a reward when they are children. I do not want my grown children to work simply for a paycheck and I do not want them to contribute to our family now simply for an allowance.

As parents, we have always provided for the needs of our children and the money they would earn for chores (if they did earn money) would go towards wants, not needs. I want them to understand the true rewards of their contributions are of non-monitory value. I hope and pray this lesson will continue with them as they choose their future careers. Although I understand they will need a paycheck for survival, I hope they are in a position of living their lives by Heart’s Intent and choose a job for the rewards of the work, not for the money.

Even though I do not pay my own children for their daily chores, I do have an exception to my own rule. Many times in the past my children have asked for a special toy or trip and instead of simply giving it to them, I have given them the opportunity to earn it. They do not get rewarded for their expected daily chores, however if we have worked out a goal ahead of time, they are able to do services in our house above and beyond the minimum. This has taught them when you work above and beyond what is expected of you in life, you can reap not only the benefits of pride and satisfaction, but you may also be rewarded with additional desires.

My children have earned things such as money to spend or a special toy they wanted, but their requests usually fall more into categories like a friend can sleepover, you can choose the movie for family movie night, you can be the server at dinner time, or a one-on-one trip to the ice cream store (or the Dollar Store a.k.a. “Heaven-On-Earth” to them). In the new world of pre-teens, I realize a PS3 game purchase, new CD, or new shoes work well to make her smile. She is a great money saver, also, so she has been paid and saved money for large rewards such as Kids College or camp fees in the past.

In our home, they most often receive special rewards for helping with a sibling. Especially when helping with homework because our current education system seems to believe we should do 6 hrs of school and 4 hrs of homework in addition to sports, dance, free time, family time, dinner time, bath time, reading time, and all of the other time that fits into our most typical 96 hour day!  Homework help with a sibling is greatly appreciated!! If we get a bit behind on our laundry schedule, folding or helping with someone else’s stack is highly appreciated and rewarded as well.

By the way…my children all knew how to work the life cycle of laundry at the age of 5! This includes sorting, loading, working the machines on your own, folding, AND putting away! I did help the little guys with soap for a while, though, for fear of our home floating away on a cloud of bubbles. They’ve mastered this art now and although I help out more during the school year, in summer time, they are on their own!

If you have a neighbor or grandparent who you need help caring for or if you are doing a big cleaning getting ready for a family dinner…those are great extra chores, too. All-in-all, I would suggest you make chores about the satisfaction of getting them complete. Don’t make the emphasis on money.

Today, I wish for you, to find a new application in your life for the old cliché 

“Money doesn’t buy happiness.”

          …or love

                    …or satisfaction

                              …or even really good chore-completing-children.

My this Spring Break bring new focus to Spring Cleaning! :)

Driving is Driving Me Crazy

If I could type blogging articles directly from my brain while driving kids to and from soccer, school, meetings, dance, parties, and doctor appointments I would blog a book every day! However, technology is not quite that advanced and even if it were, with 5 children, I wouldn’t be able to afford this technology until after the kids were grown, educated, and married! By then, I won’t be able to remember the books I currently write in my head.

So, for now, the 100+ miles I drive in the car escorting children (which, by the way, was my total for just yesterday and I didn’t leave a 15 mile radius of our home) will have to be spent just enjoying imaginatively writing books in my head and I will continue to dream of a day when I can actually sit and type them into a computer.

If I didn’t have a blended family of 7 with such busy lives, I would have a lot more time to write. Ironically…..I guess I wouldn’t have much to write about either!



Although I tire of driving children so often (and my wallet screams in gas price anguish), I know the time in the car is much appreciated, too. My 10 minute drive with only Shelby (my 6^th grader) each morning is often our saving grace in maintaining our relationship; Tuesday Dance Practice Insanity is a great time to finish the entire week’s worth of kindergarten homework (times 2) for the little guys; and Skylar smiles and laughs like no other time when in the car alone with Mommy, top down, and with whatever crazy music she chooses to blare!



So, even though driving seems to be driving me crazy, I will choose to accept it and make the best of the moments it creates!











Today, I wish for you to enjoy

the moments in front of you,

without longing for them to change!

Chores are NOT about Cleaning



In the children's hallway, we have a family calendar,
school calendars, daily chore charts,
backpack hooks, and hangers to hang
tomorrow's school clothes.
Simple organization
definately simplifies our lives!



My children will not be surprised I am starting my parenting ideas by discussing chores. My Skylar called me “Sergeant Mommy” when she was only 4, My Shelby compared me to the “Drill Sergeant as a Therapist” Geico commercial recently (you know the one where he throws the tissue box and calls the client a cry baby), and the others often salute me in the middle of chore time. However, they all still hug and kiss me daily and they often smile during chore time, so I guess we could agree…there is a method to my madness! Chores are a daily part of our lives.

When my children were quite young, I remember watching shows and reading books in which real parents gave their individual prospective on chores. One idea I repeatedly heard was you should not call chores “chores”, but give them a more creative and constructive name as to encourage your children to do them and not place a stigma on the bad aspects of the job. I considered it and I even began a soft approach to the subject with the kids, then I realized chores are chores. If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck! One of my parenting jobs was not to deceive my children into thinking sucky things in life are fun; my job was to teach them why we have to do the sucky things. You can call them anything you want, but after the excitement of having new and special jobs wears off, the kids are not going to like doing them! You are an adult now…have you ever learned to LIKE your chores?

I believe chores are a natural responsibility that any and every family member does to contribute to the family. The type and amount of chores varies according to the abilities and age of each member, the needs of the family, and according to the time availability of the member. However, all members of my family have chores not only because they have the responsibility of contributing, but more importantly because they have the right to feel the rewards of their contribution. If you asked any of my children (and possibly my friends, too), they would probably tell you, “Mommy likes to clean. She cleans ALL the time.” To an extent, I do enjoy the process of cleaning. I enjoy the mindless time to perform an easy task while allowing my mind to wander to other places. However, I do not enjoy doing the chores as much as I enjoy the result of having cleanliness and order in my life. My motivation for doing my own chores is knowing the result will give me great satisfaction. So, instead of attempting to disguise chores or to glitter them with excitement, I have tried to instill the motivation of pride and satisfaction in effort to encourage the children to trudge through them and then appreciate their hard work.

I have been asked to break down the technicalities of how my family accomplishes daily chores; how I assign them, how I enforce them, yada...yada...yada. This will take me several blogs, though. I will tell you my thoughts on allowance, age appropriate chore assignments, gender and personality adaptations, and the logistics of implementing and enforcing chores. I have changed our chore routine and focus many times over the years and I’m sure I will continue to change it as our children grow and our family’s needs change. No family will do it just like ours and we will do it just like no other. However, we can all borrow ideas and thoughts from one another because Parenting with Heart’s Intent means we care enough about our parenting roles to pay attention to the signs and influences placed in our life path to teach us. Please feel free to share your ideas as we go through these subjects, also! I may want to borrow from you!!

Today, I wish for you to begin a journey of realizing that even something as trivial as daily chores can be used as an incredible tool in guiding the sweet spirits of your children as they progress into their own life journeys.