Your Turn....Chores?

Before I reveal my personal belief on chores, I'm really hoping to find out about your family! How old are your children and do they or do they not do "chores" in your home? (Or, did they, if your children are grown?)

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Thank you, Friends.

No Show Ponies

I began brainstorming for a book after so many friends made comments to me about starting a blog or writing a book about parenting. I have always loved writing, but never thought I would write a non-fiction book about my life or parenting. Why would anyone want to hear about my life? Even to think about writing about my children, I thought, “No way!” Although I think they are miraculously great and wonderful, as all parents should, that is the exact problem. Why would I make a book about my children for you to read when your children are the ones you are to enjoy? You don’t want to read about mine!

So, I decided to not make it about me or my children, specifically, and just write about my parenting experiences. For whatever reasons, others seemed to think my experiences were interesting and they could often relate to them.  So, I could write simply about those experiences and share some ideas for whoever might want to read them. This would be simple. Brainstorm a list of the ideas I have tried at home, write about the details, and those who wanted to try them, would, and those who didn’t want to, wouldn’t. I’m a parent of 5 children, I have a degree in Elementary Education, I have taught school, homeschooled, and now my children are in school, so although I’m still young, I have a diverse prospective to share. Simple, right? Well, as I started writing I realized my parenting isn’t about ideas. I’m not a walking crash course on parenting. First of all, I do not always succeed and the failures are actually what make up more of who I am, so my crash course wouldn’t grant you many college credits, I’m sure. Second of all, I’m just a normal mom who loves her kids and occasionally entertains people on Facebook with status updates. Why would you want to know more about me? My story seems simple and like so many others.  

As I began writing some of the chapters for this book, the conclusion I found is that parenting isn’t something I do, it is something I am. Parenting is my passion! I’m not sure the requests for me to write have as much to do with me lending ideas to others to use in their homes as it has to do with others wanting to share in the enjoyment I have for parenting! There are so many wonderful parents in this world who parent in so many different ways! Some have traditional homes with mom, dad and kiddos. Some have single parent homes, some have blended families, and some have adopted children. Others are grandparents and family members trying to raise children with no other place to go. We have working parents and stay-at-home parents. “Parents” is a very broad term covering a very broad variety of people! Some of us planned to be here undertaking this job title and some of us did not. I am a biological parent to 3 children who were very planned. I am a step-mom to 2 children who I, obviously, did not plan. I am blessed beyond words to have them all in my life.

Although we all have different stories on how we became parents, we have a very similar life theme. We are responsible for guiding other human beings on their life journeys and sometimes we succeed in our choices and sometimes we fail. Great parents do both, succeed and fail, and the greatest of the great parents do both on a daily basis! Parenting is not based on the choices you make that are right and wrong. Parenting is based on Living by your Heart’s Intent!

The intentions of your heart determine the choices you make as a parent. As loving parents, we have full intent to do what is best for our children out of love for their soul and individual life journeys. You do not have to be a mother of 5 in a blended family to relate to my parenting stories or ideas. You must simply be a parent who is Living by Heart’s Intent. That is the tie that binds us. This is how I relate to others.

To live your life attempting to find balance for yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually as you simultaneously focus selflessly on the children you have been asked to care for makes YOU a great parent. Please notice I specifically said “attempting”. Your merit is not based on how successfully you discipline or how much time you spend with them or how mushy gushy you love on them. If they are potty trained by 18 months or have a bottle still when they are 3, it’s ok! If they graduate Magna Cum Laude from the University or if they drop out of high school, it’s ok! Their life journey is just that, theirs! Your merit and your life journey is based on the fact that you recognize your responsibilities as a parent and instead of seeing it as a responsibility, you call it a blessing.

You make daily choices based on your desire to have pure heart intentions. God will give you the desires of your heart. If you desire to have perfected parenting skills and raise brilliant “show ponies” for all the world to see; I’m thinking you may be following your own selfish desires. If you think this blog or any of the 20 parenting books on your shelf will give you all the tools needed to “do it right”; I’m thinking you will have a very unfulfilling road ahead. But, if you feel in your heart to simply do the best you can for your children in the best way you know how with the purest of hope for the fulfillment of their life journeys, then congratulations! I feel you are listening to the desires God placed in your heart and you will be a blessing to your “little blessings” of responsibility!

I will continue this blog and although I will always trust my heart as to what I need to write about each week, I do have a long list of ideas brainstormed already. I will write about chores, allowance, meal planning, disciplining, and all of the other many things a parent experiences, but hopefully I can place a new and creative spin on the thoughts with each of these things. Parenting is not black and white (ever) and hopefully by sharing some of my ideas I can inspire you in some small way on your own journey! Many of you have asked me ideas about specific things I do in our home; maybe because you know I am an intense OCD micro-organizer who always obsesses, but tries to do it with a smile…or maybe because you just wonder how my sanity is holding strong with 5 children! Either way, I will do my best to share about what you have asked of me. Please feel free to leave a comment, question, or email me personally if you would like to keep a struggle you may be having private! I can promise you this…if you are struggling with something, so are a million other parents, so please feel free to be honest! Even when we don’t have an answer for each other, we can surely share the burden and make the experience more bearable!

Today, I wish for each of you to congratulate yourself, thank yourself, and appreciate yourself for accepting the job of parenting! To keep your head up and start each day new says a lot about who you are and please trust I know, that some days, that simple step of starting again, can be a BIG task.

Filling a Leaky Cup

Today, I am worn. Many times over the years I have envied the simplicity of the life of the mom on Little House on the Prairie. Sure, I appreciate a washing machine, the grocery store, my car, and of course the phone and internet to keep in touch with friends. However, I marvel at the thoughts of living my days simply to focus only on the needs of my husband and children. Thoughts of days when there would be time to sit by a creek in the middle of nowhere and do nothing are very enticing. I’m sure if even we had a vacation like this, my time would come when I felt rested and ready to get back to the hustle of life, but still the life race can feel overwhelming. Of course we do not have to grow our own food, sew our own clothes, do hard labor in the way of the old times, but really at what cost? We now constantly move in fast-forward to get children to school, go to jobs outside of the home, take kids to sports, to dance, to meetings, to parties. We fill our only two days a week to enjoy our family often racing from one party to the next or grocery shopping or cleaning or doing whatever other million things are on “our list”. To take a vacation or stop and enjoy some family time, we have to literally push off something else on “our list”. Why do we always have to have this list??

I say this not because I am so overwhelmed by the meaningless things; those simply have to be put into perspective. I’m not frustrated with the dance and sports and parties, the kids love them and I love seeing their enjoyment. I’ve had a rough “step-mom” day, though, and times when I have so much to do and I’m already so tired, it is hard to accept that our lives are so busy I cannot slow down to emotionally provide in the ways I wish I could. Sure, I do the best I can and everyone in our lives is so encouraging to me, but you know as well as I know that no matter what other people say, we set a standard for ourselves! I’ve always chuckled at the quote from Mr. Incredible (I know hold your admiration for me as I quote the great and famous cartoon character). He said, “Since when do we celebrate mediocracy?” We know in our gut what God has made us personally cable of accomplishing and when we are properly in tune with our Spirit, we know when we are accepting less of ourselves than we should. I am admittingly very guilty of acting angry towards my family when I’m really angry and disappointed in myself. My frustrations of not being able to accomplish what I want, makes me intensely attempt to find more control in my life and this often  materializes in ways such as barking more chores, being more strict about house rules, or being very short tempered. As for times like this weekend, I feel like my “Step-Momma-Wart” grows huge!

Times like this force me to take a BIG step back and evaluate the balance of my life. My life IS what I want, but to keep a balance is the utmost greatest task I hold. I did not choose to live this “rat race”; I would have been a very happy Little House on the Prairie mom. However, in the same moment of thought, I would not desire to give up or drastically change any area of my life. I love our modern conveniences because it has allowed my children to experience so many wonderful things in life and most importantly, we are now connected to other people (countless family and friends) who enrich us beyond words. I believe it is time for me to accept the mediocracy of my abilities in the super-human world I am attempting to live in!! To humbly accept my limitations and to sincerely appreciate the blessings it brings to do such is an important, but very hard to do!

In attempt to metaphorically speak in the best way my heart understands today, I have an adorably wonderful little step daughter who has been through so much and because of her lack of understanding and her honest and sincere human strive to NOT accept mediocracy in her life, she seems to have this little hole I can’t fill. I can provide for her, give her structure, teach her balance, and love her with every ounce of my being, but I cannot fill this tiny hole. I find myself worn and at times exhausted as I keep attempting to “fill her little cup”, but watch as it slowly leaks through that tiny hole once again. That damn tiny hole!! My motherly desire to fix things for them all turns to my doubt in our life balance. I turn to my “only if I could” thoughts. This is a place I know all mothers understand. But, today, once again I am reminded to accept my mediocracy and my limitations. My job isn’t to fix the little hole, my job is to keep balance in our family life and make sure I personally get filled so I can keep on filling up their little emotional cups; no matter what has caused them to be emptied once again. I wish I could put spackle on that stupid hole and make her feel  more complete, but I cannot and I must keep reminding myself that time to travel her own life path will help heal wounds she doesn’t even realize exist right now.

So, as so many of my parenting experiences lead me through frustration and doubt, I will again end where it always seems to leave me…knowing I live by my heart’s intent. I cannot achieve it all or succeed at it all or always find a way to have a good day, but I can lay my head on my pillow knowing my heart is guiding my life. Knowing I make mistakes daily, I have regrets, and I will always feel I can do better, but really, what is better? If I am acting out of good and honest heart intentions, I am doing the best I can. I will just continue to hope my children watch my struggles and instead of judging me or holding a grudge against me, I hope they will learn the end result is always happiness when you make choices with good heart intentions.

Today, I wish you comfort in living by your heart's intent!

"The Y Dance"

I have been asked by so many people if I Blog and instead of saying, “Nope” one more time, I thought, “Sure, why not?” But, to create a blog about parenting or teaching or whatever else you crazy people have asked me to write about, I must begin with the core of who I am and how I live “The Y Dance” daily.

My Grandmother is a remarkable woman who we all know as Gurnie. She was truly the first Best Friend I ever had and certainly the one who has made the biggest impression upon my heart. Among her many stories I will cherish forever, here is one that will resonate like no other…

She met a man, Clyde Benton, around the 1940s in their little Podunk town in Alabama. Through mutual friends, he was introduced to her and he quickly made up his mind to know her better. One day, home from the Navy, he wandered into where she worked and after a little coercing from his friends, he was bold enough to ask her out.  She, being a very reserved young country girl, was flattered by his request while feeling a bit perturbed by the obvious scent of alcohol on his breath. She accepted his request, gave him the day and time she would be available after work, and as he walked away she chuckled knowing the date would not happen because there was no way he would remember their conversation.

The next day, the handsome young soldier showed up to apologize and ask if she would please tell him the day and time again because he could not remember. The simple young country girl, knowing the depth of her self worth, simply replied, “I’m not telling you again.” Then, she gave him a smile and sent him on his way. The next day, he returned. Then, the next day, he returned. He returned again and again until finally, he came on the right night and the rest of their lives began.

A short time later or as Gurnie would say, “While he was courting me,” they were walking home from an evening out with friends. He was walking her down a long dirt road, barely lit, to her little home in the country. He asked her if she had ever “Y Danced”. She laughed, saying, “Why, no. You know my father would never allow me to dance.” He leaned in as they walked to softly ask if he could teach her. Being young and obviously now in love, she said yes. After walking a bit further, he stopped her under a dimly lit street light. He twirled her around and pulled her close and then froze, staring at her. She, a little overwhelmed by their closeness and the silence said, “I thought you were going to teach me to Y Dance.” He replied, “Why Dance when I can just hold you close?” Then he kissed her for the first time.

Gurnie and Gurndad married and created a wonderful legacy for the children and grandchildren to come. As I think back to the significance of the moment of their first kiss, I realize “The Y Dance” is completely about enjoying the here and now! It is about living life in the moment and loving what is right in front of you! My past has molded who I am and I am definitely planning for my future. However, I do not live in the memories of my past and I do not worry about the events of my future. I live for this very moment. I parent with passion and I make sure the man I love knows I love him every day. I trust everything else to fall in the place it is meant to fall.

I plan to enjoy “The Y Dance” every day of my life and with those who are interested, I will share some of those moments here. As you read, I hope you will comment on what you enjoy, what you may disagree with, and ask what you would like to hear my thoughts on. Mostly, I hope my blog will encourage you to find the many moments of happiness to enjoy “The Y Dance” of your life!