When I Came Out of the Closet

by A Straight Girl

                My daughter’s middle school has recently had an upheaval because a young girl petitioned to begin a Gay Straight Alliance Club. The school board quickly went into motion to not allow this club. The school board in the county where I teach; where 5 of my children attend school; where I attended school; where 4 generations of my family attended school. I have felt an overwhelming passion regarding this subject and although my desire to be open and vocal is not surprising, the source of my passion regarding this subject was something I had never explored…until tonight.

                I “came out of the closet” with one of my dearest friends about 6 years ago and that moment changed my life forever! I was a happily married woman, who homeschooled my 3 children, and religiously attended my Southern Baptist church at least 3 times per week. I worked closely with one of our Church’s Children’s Directors. We spent hours and hours together planning, teaching children, and chaperoning summer camps. I knew his heart. I knew he loved God. I knew he loved children. I knew he was one of the kindest and purest souls I had ever met. We formed a sincere friendship and he had sincerely earned my admiration and respect.

                My world had recently taken a much unexpected turn when my husband moved out. I was left wondering and questioning everything I had ever known and I felt I was daily living in the twilight zone. I was blessed with many wonderful and supportive friends; among them was of course, this dear friend. He was sincerely supportive and caring as I traveled through this unknown territory. I will never – ever – forget the Saturday evening, already lying in bed, when my dear friend called and asked if we could talk. He shared with me that he was Gay. It hit me like a ton of bricks – literally! My breath was taking away and my already spinning-out-of-control world seemed to spin even more violently! I hung up thinking there is NO way this is true. Being gay is a very black and white subject. I have always been taught it is wrong. God doesn’t condone it. The Bible speaks against it. How could God let this happen to someone who so obviously had such a loving heart for Him? I wept and I prayed and I tossed and I turned and then…. A spark lit inside me that was like nothing I had ever felt before. Something was wrong and yet everything suddenly felt so very right!

                Waking up at the crack of dawn, I spent almost 8 straight hours reading passages from my Bible (which I had already read in its entirety twice in my life). I pulled out Bible Reference books, I utilized online Bible search tools and read any and every verse having anything to do with homosexuality, and… I listened to My God. I listened to MY God in a way I never had before. I listened to Him without the influence of others. I listened to Him without the hesitation and judgment of the world. I listened to Him from the purest place I had ever been with Him. At the end of this time of meditation on His Word, I realized He said nothing derogatory about being Gay. He spoke against adultery. He spoke against violent sexual acts. He spoke against child molestation. He even spoke against animal molestation. He spoke against many subjects involving acts derived from fear and acts causing fear, but He never addressed the subject of a gay individual entering into a monogamous relationship and living in a committed and loving way. He didn’t speak of homosexuality and love. He didn’t speak against it or for it. He didn’t speak of it.

                My God just broke out of My Box!

                I was so excited I could not wait to call and talk to my dear friend. I could not wait to tell him I loved him and supported him. I did not say, as so many others were saying, “I love you and will be your friend still and will pray for you.” No…I loved him for being him and I knew God loved and supported him as well! That was one of the best phone calls I ever made. I am a straight girl who was so excited to bust out of the closet! I could hardly stand the excitement!!

                This moment, as I said, was a turning point. I realized nothing was black and white except Love and Fear. Those were the only two things that were always recognizable in every situation. I realized either Love or Fear was present in every aspect of life. We all know “God is Love.” We certainly have never heard “God is Fear.” I was on a new journey. I was on a journey for truth and love and acceptance. I read the words from the Bible in a whole new way. I was, expectedly, condemned by so many people. I was going against the grain. Many whom I considered to be dear friends felt, from their perspective, I was going against God’s law. To this day, I am still condemned by many, but the great thing I have realized –

THEY have NO POWER to condemn me and GOD has NO DESIRE to condemn me!

I’m truly free! I thought Jesus died to save us from our sins and then I realized Jesus died to SAVE US FROM OUR SINS…our sins of misunderstanding His Word and His true purpose. He saved us from having a need to live under a man-made law written from the perspective of humans who He openly claimed are not without error and do not understand the fullness of the world in the way He does. I was freed to realize the only thing that truly matters to God is to live a life with the purest of Heart’s intent to live in love! Love leads you to ALL that is right… ALL of the time!

                Although I was freed from my narrow-minded views at this point in my life, I will admit I went through a time when I questioned so much. Although I knew God was clearly speaking to me and asking me to live outside of the expectations I had always lived under, it was a challenging road to go against what felt so comfortable and what I had thought to be truth for so long. It was a challenging thought to stand up and boldly say I believe in God, but I’m going boldly against what I have been taught that God believes.

                I moved into a new home with the Love of My Life (whom I had been reunited with after 13 years apart) and we made a conscious decision to blend our families, with 5 children, together. This was, as the saying goes, “the straw that broke the camel’s back.” (Which, I don’t even understand the origin of that statement, but we all know what it means) I could no longer just fly under the radar and attend church. I no longer “just” supported that Gay guy. I now “lived in sin” and included my children. Also, I did not just quietly move into the house with My Love. I, being the vocal person I am, wrote a long letter to my dear friends and several of my church leaders. I boldly claimed I was making a move I knew God was asking me to make. Needless to say, that didn’t sit well with my Pastor… or the Pastor of the next church I attended who had been called by one of my previous pastor… or of the next church who had also been contacted. (Living in the same county for your entire life has perks and pitfalls, haha) At this point, I knew God was asking me to do something so far out of the norm and understanding of others. I was seen as someone who undoubtedly loved and lived for Him and not someone who would be expected to “fall by the wayside.” So, He was asking me to be bold and trust Him in a way that would make a statement and in hope to encourage  others to stop and question what they knew to be true. I followed, but was still a bit confused with some things.

                Returning to the statement of “questioning so much”, I was in a place of feeling as if I was deciphering the Bible all over again. Only this time, I was deciphering it side by side with the true Author and not a translator. I was questioning what parts were authentic and what exactly did each part mean. For several years, I had been hanging framed Bible verses over all of my light switches. I call these “light switch verses” and they seem to jump out at me at just the exact needed time when I turn on or off the lights. I hung my verses in our new home and read each one thinking, “OK, I still get this one, I’ll hang it.” I came to the last one and I did NOT like it! I was in a place (mentally and spiritually) where I felt peace not liking it because I was still deciphering truth from false interpretation. I was ok not agreeing fully with something I read, however I did not want a verse hanging in my home which I did not full heartedly agree with. I hung it in what seemed to be an inconspicuous place with the plan of just changing it out later. I hung it – don’t laugh – over my bathroom light switch. Ironically, that ended up being the verse I sat and stared at the most. Ugh! For months, I kept thinking I needed to change it. Then, one day, the verse was read to me. I heard it this time. I heard it from The Author. I heard this verse and realized it was my life verse! It had been guiding me every step of the way and there was not a more appropriate or meaningful verse ever – for me. The verse said,

“So follow My example, and God, who gives you peace, will be with you.” Philippians 4:9

Oh… My…. God! Literally! MY God was there and was comforting me and was encouraging me and was reminding me that I was doing exactly what He wanted me to do! Many people find church and get saved. I found my way out of church to get saved. I then allowed myself the freedom to read or listen to anything and everything. When I began to live daily in a completely nonjudgmental and open way, I realized my “God Gut” guides me in all I do! If ever I am unsure of what to believe or what not to believe, I don’t run to another human to ask… I pray, I meditate, and when I find peace and love – I know there, too, is My God. My God is not fear. My God is not in anything that includes fear. My God is love – always love.

My story is so out of the norm and so different from those we often hear and is so WAY out of what seems to be the accepted beliefs (especially living in the Bible Belt), but I am OK with that. I am OK with others agreeing or not agreeing with me. I am OK with my best friends attending church, while my other best friends do not. I am OK with me and my life choices. I am OK with it all because My God is MORE than OK with me! I am, for the first time in my life, swimming with the stream of life and not against it. I am happy and joyous and free and for those who cringe at my choices or my beliefs, I am OK with that, too.  I support Gays, I live with my boyfriend, I don’t attend church, and I know without even a millisecond of hesitation- My God is good with all of that. As a matter of fact, I think He daily smiles on my sweet family and our diverse views and fun way of living. I certainly know He blesses us for it.

So, as I reflect on why this young girl’s plea to begin a Gay Straight Alliance Club has affected me so greatly (which, by the way, since beginning to write this story, the school board has voted FOR her right to begin this club - YAY), it is because when my brave and wonderful friend came out of the closet, I came out of the box! I live my life free and I am so thankful for a Savior who died for me – to FREE me from my sins – my sins of judgment and fear. He freed me to live this life of Love!