When I Came Out of the Closet

by A Straight Girl

                My daughter’s middle school has recently had an upheaval because a young girl petitioned to begin a Gay Straight Alliance Club. The school board quickly went into motion to not allow this club. The school board in the county where I teach; where 5 of my children attend school; where I attended school; where 4 generations of my family attended school. I have felt an overwhelming passion regarding this subject and although my desire to be open and vocal is not surprising, the source of my passion regarding this subject was something I had never explored…until tonight.

                I “came out of the closet” with one of my dearest friends about 6 years ago and that moment changed my life forever! I was a happily married woman, who homeschooled my 3 children, and religiously attended my Southern Baptist church at least 3 times per week. I worked closely with one of our Church’s Children’s Directors. We spent hours and hours together planning, teaching children, and chaperoning summer camps. I knew his heart. I knew he loved God. I knew he loved children. I knew he was one of the kindest and purest souls I had ever met. We formed a sincere friendship and he had sincerely earned my admiration and respect.

                My world had recently taken a much unexpected turn when my husband moved out. I was left wondering and questioning everything I had ever known and I felt I was daily living in the twilight zone. I was blessed with many wonderful and supportive friends; among them was of course, this dear friend. He was sincerely supportive and caring as I traveled through this unknown territory. I will never – ever – forget the Saturday evening, already lying in bed, when my dear friend called and asked if we could talk. He shared with me that he was Gay. It hit me like a ton of bricks – literally! My breath was taking away and my already spinning-out-of-control world seemed to spin even more violently! I hung up thinking there is NO way this is true. Being gay is a very black and white subject. I have always been taught it is wrong. God doesn’t condone it. The Bible speaks against it. How could God let this happen to someone who so obviously had such a loving heart for Him? I wept and I prayed and I tossed and I turned and then…. A spark lit inside me that was like nothing I had ever felt before. Something was wrong and yet everything suddenly felt so very right!

                Waking up at the crack of dawn, I spent almost 8 straight hours reading passages from my Bible (which I had already read in its entirety twice in my life). I pulled out Bible Reference books, I utilized online Bible search tools and read any and every verse having anything to do with homosexuality, and… I listened to My God. I listened to MY God in a way I never had before. I listened to Him without the influence of others. I listened to Him without the hesitation and judgment of the world. I listened to Him from the purest place I had ever been with Him. At the end of this time of meditation on His Word, I realized He said nothing derogatory about being Gay. He spoke against adultery. He spoke against violent sexual acts. He spoke against child molestation. He even spoke against animal molestation. He spoke against many subjects involving acts derived from fear and acts causing fear, but He never addressed the subject of a gay individual entering into a monogamous relationship and living in a committed and loving way. He didn’t speak of homosexuality and love. He didn’t speak against it or for it. He didn’t speak of it.

                My God just broke out of My Box!

                I was so excited I could not wait to call and talk to my dear friend. I could not wait to tell him I loved him and supported him. I did not say, as so many others were saying, “I love you and will be your friend still and will pray for you.” No…I loved him for being him and I knew God loved and supported him as well! That was one of the best phone calls I ever made. I am a straight girl who was so excited to bust out of the closet! I could hardly stand the excitement!!

                This moment, as I said, was a turning point. I realized nothing was black and white except Love and Fear. Those were the only two things that were always recognizable in every situation. I realized either Love or Fear was present in every aspect of life. We all know “God is Love.” We certainly have never heard “God is Fear.” I was on a new journey. I was on a journey for truth and love and acceptance. I read the words from the Bible in a whole new way. I was, expectedly, condemned by so many people. I was going against the grain. Many whom I considered to be dear friends felt, from their perspective, I was going against God’s law. To this day, I am still condemned by many, but the great thing I have realized –

THEY have NO POWER to condemn me and GOD has NO DESIRE to condemn me!

I’m truly free! I thought Jesus died to save us from our sins and then I realized Jesus died to SAVE US FROM OUR SINS…our sins of misunderstanding His Word and His true purpose. He saved us from having a need to live under a man-made law written from the perspective of humans who He openly claimed are not without error and do not understand the fullness of the world in the way He does. I was freed to realize the only thing that truly matters to God is to live a life with the purest of Heart’s intent to live in love! Love leads you to ALL that is right… ALL of the time!

                Although I was freed from my narrow-minded views at this point in my life, I will admit I went through a time when I questioned so much. Although I knew God was clearly speaking to me and asking me to live outside of the expectations I had always lived under, it was a challenging road to go against what felt so comfortable and what I had thought to be truth for so long. It was a challenging thought to stand up and boldly say I believe in God, but I’m going boldly against what I have been taught that God believes.

                I moved into a new home with the Love of My Life (whom I had been reunited with after 13 years apart) and we made a conscious decision to blend our families, with 5 children, together. This was, as the saying goes, “the straw that broke the camel’s back.” (Which, I don’t even understand the origin of that statement, but we all know what it means) I could no longer just fly under the radar and attend church. I no longer “just” supported that Gay guy. I now “lived in sin” and included my children. Also, I did not just quietly move into the house with My Love. I, being the vocal person I am, wrote a long letter to my dear friends and several of my church leaders. I boldly claimed I was making a move I knew God was asking me to make. Needless to say, that didn’t sit well with my Pastor… or the Pastor of the next church I attended who had been called by one of my previous pastor… or of the next church who had also been contacted. (Living in the same county for your entire life has perks and pitfalls, haha) At this point, I knew God was asking me to do something so far out of the norm and understanding of others. I was seen as someone who undoubtedly loved and lived for Him and not someone who would be expected to “fall by the wayside.” So, He was asking me to be bold and trust Him in a way that would make a statement and in hope to encourage  others to stop and question what they knew to be true. I followed, but was still a bit confused with some things.

                Returning to the statement of “questioning so much”, I was in a place of feeling as if I was deciphering the Bible all over again. Only this time, I was deciphering it side by side with the true Author and not a translator. I was questioning what parts were authentic and what exactly did each part mean. For several years, I had been hanging framed Bible verses over all of my light switches. I call these “light switch verses” and they seem to jump out at me at just the exact needed time when I turn on or off the lights. I hung my verses in our new home and read each one thinking, “OK, I still get this one, I’ll hang it.” I came to the last one and I did NOT like it! I was in a place (mentally and spiritually) where I felt peace not liking it because I was still deciphering truth from false interpretation. I was ok not agreeing fully with something I read, however I did not want a verse hanging in my home which I did not full heartedly agree with. I hung it in what seemed to be an inconspicuous place with the plan of just changing it out later. I hung it – don’t laugh – over my bathroom light switch. Ironically, that ended up being the verse I sat and stared at the most. Ugh! For months, I kept thinking I needed to change it. Then, one day, the verse was read to me. I heard it this time. I heard it from The Author. I heard this verse and realized it was my life verse! It had been guiding me every step of the way and there was not a more appropriate or meaningful verse ever – for me. The verse said,

“So follow My example, and God, who gives you peace, will be with you.” Philippians 4:9

Oh… My…. God! Literally! MY God was there and was comforting me and was encouraging me and was reminding me that I was doing exactly what He wanted me to do! Many people find church and get saved. I found my way out of church to get saved. I then allowed myself the freedom to read or listen to anything and everything. When I began to live daily in a completely nonjudgmental and open way, I realized my “God Gut” guides me in all I do! If ever I am unsure of what to believe or what not to believe, I don’t run to another human to ask… I pray, I meditate, and when I find peace and love – I know there, too, is My God. My God is not fear. My God is not in anything that includes fear. My God is love – always love.

My story is so out of the norm and so different from those we often hear and is so WAY out of what seems to be the accepted beliefs (especially living in the Bible Belt), but I am OK with that. I am OK with others agreeing or not agreeing with me. I am OK with my best friends attending church, while my other best friends do not. I am OK with me and my life choices. I am OK with it all because My God is MORE than OK with me! I am, for the first time in my life, swimming with the stream of life and not against it. I am happy and joyous and free and for those who cringe at my choices or my beliefs, I am OK with that, too.  I support Gays, I live with my boyfriend, I don’t attend church, and I know without even a millisecond of hesitation- My God is good with all of that. As a matter of fact, I think He daily smiles on my sweet family and our diverse views and fun way of living. I certainly know He blesses us for it.

So, as I reflect on why this young girl’s plea to begin a Gay Straight Alliance Club has affected me so greatly (which, by the way, since beginning to write this story, the school board has voted FOR her right to begin this club - YAY), it is because when my brave and wonderful friend came out of the closet, I came out of the box! I live my life free and I am so thankful for a Savior who died for me – to FREE me from my sins – my sins of judgment and fear. He freed me to live this life of Love!

Imagine

As I sat in a quiet house with only the baby and myself, eating lunch today, I was thinking of how nice it was to be alone.

 

                    Imagine....

                                                  alone!

Then, all of my children appeared….. I looked around our walls where my children have created “positive affirmation” notes and hung them randomly around our home. They have written words and drawn pictures and hung them with fun stickers on whatever surface they chose. This was in effort to create continuous positive thoughts. We read them when we pass by or stand to pour a cup of coffee or lock the door for the last time at night. Notes such as “Ocean Waves”, Pretty osim fireworcks and cookout”, “Happyness is a roadway to fun”, and “bright smiles” help put positive energy into our home. These notes hold part of my children’s spirits all the time.

So, I thought, I’m not alone. My children are all here with me.

 

 

Then, John Lennon appeared… my phone rang from the other room and I heard my ringtone, “Imagine”.  His energy makes me smile, no doubt. He sang positive affirmations to the world and encompassed our desire for peace and connection in a beautifully artistic way. He was part of my home today as I sang with him.

So, I thought, I’m not alone. My children and John Lennon are here.

 

 

Then, hundreds, no, maybe thousands of people appeared… I looked around our kitchen and living room. I started thinking of all of the people who have invented and created something that impacts my house. From the technology of the refrigerator and microwave, all the way to the very design of our picture frames or the colors of our candles. Someone envisioned my curtains before they sewed them, someone found the river rocks and polished them before they made their way around the vase on my table, someone painted my paintings, molded my rod iron artwork, and wove my baskets. So many people – thousands and thousands of people – took part in the very things living in my house. Their positive energy, the fruits of their labor, the creation of their invention is all part of my home!

So, I thought, I’m not alone. My children and John Lennon and thousands of other people are here.

 

 

How AWESOME to realize we really are SO VERY intertwined with not only are loved ones, but also with strangers. We rely on one another and we appreciate one another without even realizing how much we do. Imagine the day when we begin to grasp the depths of our connections and we realize the magnitude of that connection simply  laughs at the shallowness of what divides us.

 

 

 

As a mom, I take this back as a lesson to grow through with my kids…Loving with ALL of my Heart’s Intent is realizing what we send out is what we get back. Our impact on this world is so much larger than what we realize. I am understanding more and more and MORE ,that as I share positivity, I receive positivity! What you give IS what you get!

My wish for you today...

            to feel my happiness and encouragement because…

                                                            it is bouncing back from you!

(Please be sure to watch the Linked Video on "Kelly's iPod" to the top right. It is an incredible example of how One we all are.)

Use Fear to find Love

All of life is very simply Love or Fear. Simple.

I first heard this concept around the age of 30. I quickly knew it to be true because the Universe (God) told me over and over! I know the Universal truths because they arrive in my life multiple times and in multiple ways. I read this in a book, then another book, then heard it from a friend, and then heard it on TV. Today, I continue to be reminded! Just as I continually remind my children to pick up their shoes (such a simple task in my eyes), I am continually reminded of the simplicity of Love and Fear (such a simple task for God).

My recent pregnancy was tough on my body, my mind, and my family. Although large challenges in life often seem complicated with intricate details, I can simply say – FEAR. Underlying fears of having another baby….6 children…step siblings….half siblings….a Teen and diapers….were the absolute root cause of my prego challenges! God doesn’t want us in pain!!! We all know the obstacles we face are simply to make us stronger through life lessons, HOWEVER, also recognize the obstacles we face are of our OWN creation! The Universe desired my pregnancy to be wonderful, enjoyable, magical! MY fears caused a different outcome. The good news was my previous life lessons and my understanding of Universal Love (God’s love) allowed me to make continual conscious choices of dealing with the physical challenges because I knew…that I knew, that I knew…all would be fine and Love would prevail! This baby was SO VERY meant to be in our lives at the exact moment she arrived. Knowing this, we gave her the name Lauryl Jennae, meaning “Victorious” and “God has answered.”

I’ve recently started a Love Journal that has opened my eyes tremendously!! When I face daily challenges (most usually with kids), I know if the challenge is on my mind continually, I am making a mistake. I am reacting out of fear in some way. I break my journal entries into three sections: Situation, Reaction of Fear, and Action of Love. Forcing myself to come up with an “Action of Love” in all situations has made immense improvement in the way I feel about any situation- immediately!

Through this process, I’ve realized the use of guilt in my life…YES, I said the USE of GUILT. Guilt, that horrible 5 letter word all mothers know well. We encourage each other to get rid of it, to realize we aren’t perfect, and to not be so harsh on ourselves. I say, “WHATEVER”!!! Guilt is a VERY useful tool for me! If I feel guilt, I have said or done something – out loud or in my mind – that I do not agree with to the core of my being. The core of being is purely, simply, and completely made of Love. When my reactions to things do not simply show Love, I feel guilt. Therefore, my personal red flag is often guilt. (When I feel guilt over simple things like a messy house, I stop to realize my Fear of not having control is overriding my Love of not needing control!) My other red flags include frustration, anger, and feeling physically sick. When I see a red flag…I see a wonderful opportunity to journal and start again.

Fresh starts are often the BEST gift the Universe gives me!!!!!

In the past month alone, I have realized my discouragement from a baby’s colicky cries was based on my [ridiculous] fear it would never end and my fear I couldn’t help stop her pain. After I recognized the fear, I chose to act in love and my tolerance increased ten-fold!

My frustration with a 7 year old not doing what I asked, at the moment I asked it, was also based in fear. I feared she would not respect my authority and problems would increase in the future. Once I recognized this fear and refocused with pure love the next day, I realized she was so concerned with completing her list of tasks well, she couldn’t focus on one thing at a time. Her confusion was coming across as disrespect.

My almost-teenager was making a choice I did not agree with and when my gut reaction was frustration, she reacted and the situation catapulted to a whole new level. (I know parents of teens SO get this) My fear of her making choices I do not condone masked the understanding of her being on her own life path. She has a right to create her own future. I am to guide and love her, not control her!

I now choose to live a life of Conscious Love

and it is SO much easier (and enjoyable)!

Funny, how every subject I write about goes right back to the title of my blog, “Living by Heart’s Intent”. I guess God has been engraving this on my soul for much longer than I realized. Live by Love and Love alone!

 I wish for you, today,to use your lowly Fear

to find the best YOU

in every situation

with Love at your very core!

                                    Use Fear to find Love. ;)

Fair to be Unfair

Just a normal cookout night with my
sometimes crazy family. :)

I’m finishing a time period of a bit of chaos in my life. For about two months, I took over a Kindergarten class for a teacher on maternity leave. I love teaching, the school is great, the teachers on my team were incredible, and my family was bursting with team work and patience (most of the time) as we took on this challenge. HOWEVER, mothering 5, while teaching 24, while attempting to survive the most challenging first trimester of pregnancy I have ever experienced…not the easiest of tasks I have faced!



Kenzie and Skylar after winning

the Cannonball Contest
at a Summer Swim Party.



Now, we are finishing up the summer which has been busy and fun and did I mention exhausting and challenging? Love our family and our lives and thankful for every day…realizing the importance of a message I have yelled from the building top for years…FIND TIME FOR YOURSELF! This is the ONLY way to have sanity and focus. (By the way, I have not obeyed myself.) You must rest and refresh your mind if you ever plan to love and treat your family with fairness! We actually bribed our eldest to watch her siblings for 2 hours the other evening so we could (hold on to your socks for the excitement) go visit with Grandma and Grandpa! LOL You can definitely recognize the moments in your life when you are craving a bit of calmness and focus.





Now ending a summer of preteenhood experiences, mom/stepmom challenges, and pregnancy (as the cherry on top), I can truly say “fairness” is an idea that has not only come out of the children’s mouths often, but has rung loud and clear in my heart this summer. The ringing has been most often in the form of guilt – my nemesis! As all siblings do, the children have had a lot of experiences together and apart this summer. They have all, at some moment, had jealousy for what someone else was getting to experience. This, of course in their mind, seems to be the epitome unfairness…If only life were more fair!



Our oldest...not always agreeing with our idea of fairness,

but still jumping in to have fun! Love you, Shelb!!



I am experiencing my 4^th pregnancy and had more nausea than any of the other 3. I have been exhausted past the point of logical comprehension at times and this never happened before! If I experienced all of this in my 1^st pregnancy, I would have had the time to care for myself better and would have expected the challenges more in this final run….If only life were more fair!

I should love all of the children equally and treat them fairly every day because this is what they deserve! However, once again, not finding my own quiet time for Spiritual renewal and being slightly hormonal (only slightly…only a little bit…not much at all – you can ask Jarrod), I have NOT woken up every day feeling the need to be equally fair to everyone. Some days I can handle the “sassy one” and some days I cannot. Some days I can handle the “sensitive one” and some days I cannot. Some days I love the “independent one” because I am not finding much of myself to give. Some days I love the “needy one” because I need to cuddle and feel more love that day, too….If only life were more fair!

Waking up to a heated debate on the Today show about whether or not it is fair to ban children from certain restaurants helped me remember what fair actually means.

Treating others fairly means you have carefully considered who you are and what you believe at a particular moment in time. You have made a decision after taking into consideration all of the parties involved and you have NOT made the decision based on what makes everyone feel happy!

I realized that fairness is yet again another life concept which should be totally based within your Heart’s Intent! Make the best decision you can with the purest of intent and trust it!! The restaurant owner is not trying to be mean and unfair to families with children. He is trying to create an atmosphere where adults can take a break for their selves, to refresh and renew without being sidetracked by unruly small children at dinner. He was also trying to send a subtle message to parents about taking a moment to consider how their children’s behavior effects not only their family, but every other person in the restaurant…just like all of our behavior always impacts those around us – even as adults! (hmmm…side note…yet another moment when we stop to realize our choices with our children actually do help to mold their choices as adults) Kudos! I’d go to that restaurant (just not on family dinner nights).



Me on the Crab Drop at Seaworld
with all of the kiddos.
A moment when we all agree that
"more" does equal "more fun"!



As for MY summer challenges, I now realize I treated them “fairly” (or did the best I could – which is all that matters) every day! I loved them equally and cared enough about their life learning experience to not spoil them to make up for their feelings of jealousy over siblings. I talked them through realizing life sometimes sucks. We feel left out and jealous, but we take a deep breath, accept those things, and turn the other direction to realize the mountain of blessings showered on us as a result of the exact same situations that caused the sucky challenges….Maybe life is fair!

Having the most challenges in this pregnancy is frustrating, but understandable. With my first, I was 12 years younger and had only myself to care for. In all reality if it were so challenging the first time – would I have ever made it to my 4^th pregnancy?? So, as much as nausea and exhaustion stink, I am thankful for them coming during the last pregnancy because I am so thankful for having 4 pregnancies in my life…Maybe life is fair!



Loving different personalities
and good cousins at Chillis!



Finally, as for waking up more partial to certain people on certain days…well, this challenge has made me realize the incredible blessing our home has with so many different personalities. It has made me realize the broad spectrum of human emotion and the importance of nurturing every part of this spectrum. Also, it has made me remember the importance of finding the time to spiritually renew yourself (especially as a mom and leader of a home) because everything in life is in need of great balance. When the scales tip too far in any direction, we are not in a proper frame of mind to make true choices of fairness from the depths of our Heart’s Intent. However, when the balance gets a little off (as my life has seemed over the last few months), we are in the best position ever for learning life lessons up close and personal!! So, although I’m finishing a time period of a bit of chaos in my life, I’m beginning a time period of great reflection to learn from all of the experiences and challenges I have been so blessed to have...Maybe life really really is fair!



Love our chaos....



...AND my quiet orderly time!



Today, I wish for you...

to be challenged and unbalanced

and to experience the sucky things in life;

and then upon reflection,

realize the incredible blessing of all of those experiences!



Blog (and Baby) Coming Soon

I've been asked by several of you (thank you, thank you, thank you) when I will blog again. I promise...it's coming. I've had so many ideas in my head over the last couple of months, but between 5 kiddos at home and 16 Kindergarteners all day at work, and then discovering the big mystery of why I am soooooo exhausted (baby number 6 is on the way), I just have not found extra time to blog! My children are determined Moms now fit into the category of Bears because I have morphed into a creature of hybernation! Every extra moment has been spent napping!

I will say my thoughts are filled and I am so ready to type. After working full time, I have now experienced challenges with a family like never before!! I've been a stay-at-home mom, worked full time, married, divorced, had everything from 1 child to 5, biological children, step children and NOW a baby in the mix! Whew...could I possibly put myself into any more "categories"?? Experience is wonderful and priceless, but I am so very sincerely looking forward to staying home again and preparing for a baby. I have a lot of helpers and very excited family!!

Thanks again to all who have asked and I most definately will be back soon!!

Today, I wish for you, to appreciate what is happening right now! Whether you are in a "waiting place" or a "Fast Pace" season of your life..enjoy every second!